Livin da life

The Unforseen, The Untold

2011-11-03T07:44:00.000-07:00

There's a moment when everything seems right. All of a sudden, it seems like it's wrong.

Have you ever gotten that feeling before?
For a second it's bright, then a second later; shadows overcasting.

I'm wondering if things are supposedly what's right.

What if everything falls into place; but all of a sudden it's in the biggest mess??
Things get difficult; life's so unpredictable. I'm beginning to get a hang of one thing in life; that what is; it's never constant.
Even of late, the skies don't know their heading or sense of direction. Cloudy for a second; the next, it's all bright. Then a few seconds later; heavy downpour.
There are times when one can have the warmest sensations and the next second; a chill of ice.

People say that when the tough gets going, the going gets tough. (Or is it phrased the other way round?) Anyway, yeah, when things seem at the deepest depth, I guess, that's where we have to wait for the light to shine in. Ever felt like there's a darkness swallowing you, that you'll never get out of? Or the road that you chose seemed to be under construction with obstruction at the moment? These are probably the times that confuse people like me; making me wonder, if I stepped right in the first place.

What if I'm just not good enough to make it through? What if this was just a mere mistake? What if I had the choices that will pull me down instead of making me rise up above all odds?

There are moments I'd wish that everything would turn out perfectly smooth without a rough ditch or break in between. There's a moment to be lost, hoping that somehow, you'll get out of it. Maybe that's what I'm waiting for. Maybe that's what I need right now.

The sun will come out tomorrow...

Shadows cease,
Lightning strucks,
Where's the sun?
The trees dies and weeds grow,
Where's the roses in the meadow.
Let the sun down,
Wait for dawn,
In hope that ice will melt,
For buds to spring.

A little tougher in uni

2011-10-08T09:23:00.000-07:00

Hey people,
I'm back; but I probably think I'll be updating less and less as time passes by. Recital is coming up in a couple of weeks and I'm totally clueless. God knows how I'm gonna survive out there since I've barely gotten through my pieces. I guess it will be a miracle if I can firstly, get my pieces MEMORIZED by then.

I would have to admit that uni life is totally a cool and unique experience. For one thing, we get to grab late suppers with coursemates and chit chat til...we're satisfied perhaps. The downside however, trying to cope with ample war to practise, maintaining good social life, participating in college activities while maintaining grades and completing assignments at the same time. Probably, I would have to admit that uni life, although being in the music stream can pretty much equal up to difficulty of any other faculties. We pick up techniques in a short term and are expected to launch with full performance speed throughout. Really glad for dedicated and good lecturers; but I think their awesomeness slash perfection kinda scares me off. I get the pressure and my perfect coursemates, are the reason to push me to stop slacking.

Despite tension, really glad to have caring friends and seniors who encourage me and motivate me towards my goal. I understand now when they mention that without a good circle of friends, you can't go far. That's because in uni, you can't afford to be on your own.

Being in uni made me realize many important things, that's to treasure the people and family you have around you while they are near. You wouldn't know what it feels like til you're far away and you get that feeling wishing they could be there sometimes.

Life in uni gets tough at times, but I know that it will be an experience to keep and hold for a long time. Hopefully, I'll get to pass this stage as a stronger person.

P/s: I don't like queue-ing for washing machiness!!

Fresh Start In A Place Called here

2011-09-11T19:07:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,

I know I haven't updated you people in quite awhile. First of all, I'm currently in UM, KL. Sorry for the late update coz I think I've been experiencing 'jet-lack' since I reached a place called....HERE! (a.k.a UM).

The first day I stepped here which was last Sunday (4th September), the first thing that murdered me was the room. I was like... Why??? I'm totally not gonna survive the week. The better part was mom kept persuading me to think twice and there's still a chance for me to back off if I wanted to. The thing I still can't really get used to is the bathroom though. =S Okay, here goes report one...
To make the day worst, we didn't really understand the discipline system provided here and why everyone was yelling at us. I have to admit, we were already having a shock of our lives( not just me, we had sharing time and almost everyone felt the same). We couldn't even have decent meals since we had to use our hands for one instead of utensils, and to add to the spice; we had to eat really fast. Our PM kept yelling.... "CEPAT MAKAN!!!". Most of us swallowed down so fast, I think I almost choked several times! The first day was the worst, I went to bed and almost cried; thinking things were disastrous and nothing the way it should have been.

Day two and three were brighter since we managed to spend part of our afternoons in the faculty. But, I would pretty much have to admit that I had some bad experiences since I was sick and couldn't quite recover. Oh... Did I mention to you too that on the second day, I was given a task to represent my residential college to participate in a BM debate competition? Believe me, I was like... Oh nooooo you don't! But due to the overload of English debaters and me being crazy, I actually said yes! How ironic was that right?? I know... HAHA. So I had at least something to do besides cheering and all.
The next day, we had to plan our points for the competition. I was so stressed yet sleepy due to two hours sleep for the previous nights. Believe me, I almost fell asleep quite a number of times. Competition was held in the evening after faculty meeting. That's where I wore my first baju kurung since I've been here. Given the task, I had to work with two other debate mates, Shikin and Sham. I hafta admit that they were totally awesome. They helped guide me quite a little and also thankful for our PM's; Han and Aimi. Without both their help, I would have just proly passed out halfway. Anyway, the first day competition sent thrills down my spine. I had stage fright as usual and barely could speak. To me, it was... FAILURE!! Thank God for Sham, he actually pulled our marks up, so we won.
The following day, thank God I could start debating since the topic was related to Facebook. And so, here came my first success of debating. Yeah, I did lack some techniques but at least, I was complimented for fluency in the language. =D
We won the second round so, it was our joy. One more round and to see who made it to the semifinals.

Day four,
We had our usual practise, and this was the day to determine us being in the finals... or not. We didn't win this round so we went back to our rooms in complete devastation and disappointments. However, as night passed, we were told that we actually made it into the finals!! HOW awesome was that??! We had totalled up to 4th place after three days of competing which made us eligible to step into the semi finals.
With much enthusiasm, we practised again.
However, day four, which I thought would be bright started of with PM's banging our door.
Without even brushing our teeth, we had to leap out of bed with the watch pointing its hands at onli 4 am! We dashed out of our rooms, got punished in half sits. Believe me, it's so darn torturing, some people even ended up crying while my body was shivering due to the intensity of the sit for half an hour. If I had to say 'thanks', it would be to those who didn't abide to the rules and yet, all of us were punished for it.
Towards evening, we had our semi finals. I was nervous being the opposition team, yet, managed to keep composure. Since we were competing with the one ranking at 1st place, it made us sweat in our seats and our hearts kept beating all too fast. We tried to made rebuttles, yet, we were curbed by our opponents. However, we didn't win despite our strive; jury being on side 3-2 and a margin of 1.3, we didn't really make it.
Yeah, big disappointment actually; but hey, I didn't even have an experience in debate. And we made it this far to top 4 placing. That's good enough for me.

The next few days, we had our normal activities and resumed til the closing ceremony on friday.
This week had been really tough, I think I only had an average of 14 hours of sleeping for the whole week. Despite the tiresomeness, I'm really glad for this week. I realized that I made some good friends. Friends who I know will be there for me when I need them. We experienced the same pains together and that's what brought forth our bonding to a higher level.

I love both my roommates, my vocalist, coursemates and those who really showed their care towards me throughout orientation week. And to your surprise, I love my PM's too who did everything they could to make our orientation week successful. I know based on this week, that even if things get really tough, there are people around me who will help me on; and also that I'm looking forward to the next three years. Yes, I still miss home, but being here, releases me from pain and gives me a brand new hope.

I'm looking forward to day one of our course today. Will update you guys soon! =)

Loads of love.

Signing off,
Fidelia ~ xoxo

Holding on and letting go

2011-07-31T00:31:00.000-07:00

The days pass, things are supposedly getting easier. I just wonder why its not that way for me.

Why am I holding on to something I know isn't gonna be? It's almost like I want this dream to go on. Somehow, it's not. People keep splashing cold water unto my face; waking me up from the one thing is no more reality.

I've been trying to move on each day; but sometimes, things aren't like they used to be.

Why can't one see the changes you have made and acknowledge it? Why is the past always haunting and blocking the present? Why is warmth overshadowed now by meer cold ice?

There's no more path; it's a dead end. You said so yourself. Wish I knew where to go. What if I can't be what I used to be? What if, I'm not me anymore?

It's like I've lost my soul somewhere and it's nowhere near myself.

Each day, I tell myself not to cry any longer. I'm trying to be strong; to get up and look for a better tomorrow.

I'm not that person you used to see me a few years ago. Time has changed me too, to become a better person. I'm definitely not perfect, but I've really given my best shot.
I used to act like a girl, but I'll be twenty in a couple of months. I'm growing out and trying to be a fine lady; but I guess, not everyone sees that.

I haven't known of anyone as perfect, but I do know, that I've tried. No one is on this world. I know the world can't be seen from just our perspectives. Maybe I was wrong. I admit that I was. But maybe, I did try to alter the bad part of myself. I did try to make compensations and be a somebody.

Yes, I cry each day. I tell myself of how I should have been this way last time instead of just starting now. It's difficult to find the strength to move ahead. It's hard to believe that now, things have to start new. So hard to find the will.
However, each day, I try to think that there's a better tomorrow.

Who doesn't fear being alone? I know I do. But I'm afraid for bigger realities in future. What if things don't turn out as I want them to be? What if I cry again? What if you're okay, but I'm not?

I kept wanting to hold on. But the more I do, the worst things get. I know now, I have to let go. It's painful, and I wonder if I can make it.

So hard to breathe, yet, I have to find the will to get up again. I'm trying not to drown in the past.
Maybe, perhaps maybe, this is a time for me, to start living for myself. I'm being the best I can be. Someday, you'll see; someday, you'll understand.

Someday, I'll be that better person that no one thought I could be. I may have screwed up, but I'm taking life as a lesson each day. As you draw further away from the world, I'm stepping into it. I know how cruel life is, but I'm not gonna withdraw even if it hurts. Like a dog, we need to clean our wounds til they heal; but I'm gonna be the one to get up.

Life can knock my down to my feet, but I'm gonna fight til the end. I'm afraid but faith and courage is what I need. I can't promise that I'll forget not stop crying. But I can promise that I have God, and that I'm gonna try to depend on Him.

If you could see me for who I am today, and not who I was yesterday. People change, but I'm changing for the better. My past is my past. But my future has just begun, and that's who I am trying to be now.

Pain

2011-07-26T02:11:00.000-07:00

It's back to square one; the place I don't want to be in.

This wasn't where I wanted things to end up being.

This isn't the think I wanted you to have in mind.

This wasn't anything I ever wanted.

Being the truth, there was no way that I would lie to you. But neither did I ever wish for things to be this way.

I wanted things to be better like it was going to be.

Pained both night and day, there's no stop to this unending nightmare. Things were okay for awhile. Now, it isn't again.
I want so much to turn back the hands; wishing that what is and what isn't wasn't.
So many mistakes, I tried to make amendments. Changed for no one but I wanted to for you. It's so late, and all is left of the bad things I've done. Wish so much that those wouldn't cover for the person I am today.
Pain, heaviness. Wish you knew as much as it pained you; it pierced me just as much. I've really tried this time to be the best I can be, but my past blocked and smeared all that I am today. I wish I could undo so many things. I could if I had the power to. Now the world seems too cruel to you; and it's me to be blamed for. I never wanted those for you. Neither for me.
Even if I could prove, I would, but that's not in my hands to let you know what truly is and isn't.

I could tell you a million words, nothing would heal those. I've had those agony, my pains each night. In my dreams, I'm screaming. In my heart, it's bleeding, but I know you are too.

There's a scar in you, I wish to erase. I wish that things would be better for both of us, than it is today. For everything you have been to me, I'll always know that, no matter what, that you will never change to me.
You loved me with everything you had. I do too, but wrongly. In my knowledge, we both did everything for each other. But for a guy, you were rare to find. A rare diamond; hard to find like a rice among grains of sand. Even of there was someone like you, there's no way you can ever be replaced. People don't get why. They say I'll find someone else, but they don't know how much you mean to me.

You've been the only non-blood tied, that I would lay my life down for. When you hurt, so do I. I fear your death most; or the fact of losing you.

I wish each day for a miracle. Hopes crushed; wonder if there will ever be. I created your fears and extended your hurts; but that was never what I wanted. I wish that I could take them away again. Times have changed, and so have I. Not that love I had for you. All I know, is that I love you more and more each day. Even if it doesn't seem that way, I'll just keep that in my heart.

I only pray, that you'll heal. That you'll be happy. Each time I see you, can't seem to stray my eyes off you. It's like they were made to admire all that you are. I wish to see your real smiles again. Not fear in your eyes or heart. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me. Has been, always will be.

When your gone.

2011-07-04T09:20:00.000-07:00

So many times I regret the things I did. Ice on the mountain caps melt and there's no way you can stop.
The pain is too intense to bear. So many things not understood.
Barely able to breathe, the heart is pierced to the deepest part of the soul.
Incurable, there's no way to run any longer. Believed; thinking that this time for the last time, things are going to be right. Too late by a second.
God, if you're alive; if you're listening to me... Do you even care?
Why is everything crumbling at the time I want to make amendments?
It's so painful I feel like I'm suffocating so badly.
I used to think I'll do what I can. Now, I'd do any single thing to get back that one thing I've taken for granted.
Wish you knew what's in my heart.
The best thing that has ever happened to me; is you. No matter how many times I tell you now, you'll never know.
I'm a second to late. Lying on bed each night; tears streaming so hard. I beat my heart so hard knowing that things aren't going to be okay.
Love to others is just another element.
You've been my air. When there's no air, there's no life.
I can look like I'm wide awake but it's as if my heart is dead. It's stopped beating for awhile now.
I left my heart with you; knowing it's never going to come back.
I tried to take my last breath. Cause I keep thinking that there's no meaning left.
My best friend, my heart, my air, the one who patched me for good. Every single thing reminds me of you. There's not one thing that doesn't. I wonder how to ever move on; coz it seems too impossible. I can't let go. I keep holding on.
Rather hurt than feel nothing at all. Rather bleed than to think I never had you.
It's so late, it's past midnight in the clock of life.
I keep wanting to take away my soul.
The only reason I keep living this second is that I'm lying to myself.
I keep giving myself hope. That one day, all the plans we had; will come to past.
There's no other you; and there will never be.
Each day, I get up with the hopes that somehow, our dreams that used to be will come back again. That's the only thing that's keeping my alive; letting me breathe for now.
I wish I was there when you needed me; you've always been for me.

Dear God,
If I had one wish to make right now.
I know you'll know what it is. That's the only thing I'll pray for.

*Streaming in tears; trying to breathe.*

Let me wake up tomorrow to live for another one. God give me the strength to go on.

Love of Friendship

2011-06-22T04:52:00.000-07:00

It's been long since I last felt like this.
I guess hardships come and go. Well, it has both its good and bad.
Sore as ice, numb and hard. Wonder what happens next.

I've always thought that I'm fighting this nightmare alone. That's cause I did before. I was alone.
But now, I thank God for these hard moments. It is that, that opens my eyes to bigger perspectives, colors and things I've never seen before.
Behind every person lies motivation. In my case, my motivation comes from others; and I'm proud to call you pals my good friends.
There are those who are fools, but I'm glad to know that at least, I'm not alone.
Even as I tear up, you guys made it possible for me to see brighter things in this world.

It's been so long since I last realized that everyone surrounding me, really care that much. Really great to know that despite ups and downs, there'll always be a stronger pillar to fall back on; that's the love of friendship.
I've never seen any much more of the concern and encouragement that you guys have shown towards me. That's another bonus why I'm not welling up in tears as much as I should be.

There's so much more that you guys have brought up in me. Right now, this feeling combats every other depression or sadness. I know in life we laugh and cry; but because of all of you, my percentage of happiness has probably increased more. Even as I look into the state I'm supposed to be in, you all make me stronger and optimistic with a reason to look forward to.

Care from people is worth carrying you a million miles of journey in life.
Candles are lit by gentle fires; yes, you all are the reason I can still burn up til now.
I'll look back and remember that this incident opened my eyes into realizing that I have more than what I thought I had.
I can lack others, but I know now, that I have great friends, sisters and people who care about me to push on.

I can keep going on, but I guess that's from me for now. Appreciate you guys a mill!

xoxo. ~Signing off with love. Fi.

Stronger

2011-03-07T05:36:00.000-08:00

'Took me too long before I realized that what's good has always been right in front of my very eyes.'

It's true when they say that you have to fall in order to learn how to walk. Or hit your head before you actually wake from your dreams.

Sometimes when you have what's good by your side, it blinds you. That's also known as taking someone or something for granted.
All this while, I've been protected and loved by you until I forgot how much others have hurt me in the past. You blinded my eyes to the faults of most guys until I forgot how much they aren't anything like you.
You have always loved me more than myself; and now, I know that.

Loved, tendered and hushed by you; I forgot all about the lies and hurts a guy could penetrate into a girl's heart. I forgot how they would bait fishes and hang them by line at the end of the day.

Three years ago, you found me as a wounded puppy; being afraid of letting anyone into my life. You compassionately picked me up and nursed me though I was incomplete. Had I no confidence in anyone such as your kind(the male species), yet you patiently tended to me.
Having been hurt, you patched my broken heart.

Your love has always been the fire to kindle my spirit; pushing me forward to another day. Each time I gave up, you'd remind me of the good things installed ahead. You'd be my source of motivation and my success is owed partly to you. When I was physically or emotionally hurt, you'd take them away and dry my tears. You'd be my secret keeper and the best friend to talk to. When things get hard, you'd be the pillar to support the structure from falling.
So many times when I forget how much you built my confidence; I often think that I'm strong on my own. But by actual fact, I'm not. I realize now that you've been the one driving me to becoming who I am today.
Yes, your love grew me throughout these three years and developed me to myself. You encouraged me to be one of a kind; to be original and be myself. Because of you, I don't copy anyone else's style or character.
I can do the craziest or stupidest thing and you'll always support me. When I make mistakes, you're the one guiding me through. Only now, I realized that I need you so much as my advisor and opinion seeker.

Not many can be like you. I can step on your foot a thousand times and you won't refrain. I could slice you up a million times but you always choose to see the good in me. You're one of a kind. An undivided, loyal, pure heart. One that loves to give and not expect for anything in return. You'd rather suffer in silence and let the joy of your loved one be your joy. Even through the worst, you'd stay by my side. You're the one I call when my night gets sleepless and yet, you don't refuse me. You'd hold like you mean it and never let go. There's just something about you that makes you rare and unique.

Its been so long and still, your love is stronger. Strength; that brings me up when I'm down.

That's why I'm still strong until today. Now I admit, that I'm not strong on my own. I've always needed you and I still do.

~Dedicated to you~

A little note to God.

2011-02-20T07:16:00.000-08:00

'I trust in the Lord and lean not on my own understanding. For when I acknowledge you, you'll make my paths straight.'

Dear God,
I'm quite sure that you're aware of my panic state now. There's so many things on my mind.

My heart's rate is accelerating twice as fast as usual. My hands getting chilled, my body slightly jittery. I wonder if these are symptoms of fear in accepting the future or perhaps anxiety.

So many expectations; and I'm shouldering the worries that I shouldn't. I wonder if I'll sleep tonight. I wonder what tomorrow will be.

At moments like this, I'm so afraid. Afraid of what the truth may be. Anxious of what everything would turn out to be.

The past week has en-forged a sense of doubt and fear. For those that hath been of believes were let down. All things may fail me. But the one person whom I know shall never fail me, will be you,God.

Dear God,
I wonder if you know that I'm glad to be born a Christian. Without you, my life would have probably ended a long time ago. They say that gods can't give you answers. And that you have to help yourself in order for God to help you. However, I'm glad that you have always loved me even when I doubted you. You gave me the one gift I could never earn that's love, and your grace.

Even as I ponder upon the promises you've given me in my life, I know you have a plan and purpose for me. Despite all those trials, I'm stronger because you've guided and delivered me.

As I awake tomorrow, I shall believe in your promises. Faith and grace are always tied together as a whole package. Thus, I shall believe hard and receive your favor upon my results, relationships and future.

Dear God,
I wonder when things will fall into place. When to get the right one, where to go and what to do.
Somehow, I know deep within that life has moulded me; making me have even more faith in you. Life is a wonder. So complicated; yet, ever revolving. Yet, putting you as the center of my life will make things smoother and beautiful in its time.

Humans are never perfect. That's why we're not angels. And again, even though there's been a screw up, Your grace has made me realise that a second chance of trust is never impossible.

I'm believing for my miracle.

Dear Love...

2011-02-17T07:00:00.000-08:00

"Love is patient, love is kind. Love is never jealous, it's found when least expected. Love is never by words but the sacrifices and actions of one".

My faithful readers,
How do you define love?

Love is an essential need in our daily lives. What's a human to be without having to experience love? How often do we misuse the word?

Dear Valentine,
14th February was a day named after you in remembrance to celebrate a day of expressing love towards your mother. How often do people limit love to merely couples? Deep down, I know your definition of love meant beholding the sacrifices and wishing for time to reverse to be with the person you truly care about.

If I define correctly the true meaning of love, I know it isn't selfish. Love is selfless.

Dear love,
You're the cause that one would sacrifice their lives for another. You're the reason for relationships to flourish. You're the reason that most people cry for at the death of the deceased. Love, you're the source of all good things the heart can ever feel. With your presence, most people choose to stay alive. Without you, empty will they be.

Above all things, the most powerful element of all... Will always be love.

Love isn't merely an utterance of speech, for it is by deeds that fulfills its wholesome. Love is an awe that is irreplaceable; that beats from a single heart.

Dear love,
I understand now that you're found in the most unexpected circumstances. You're found in the most miserable and devastating periods. You're the one that uplifts the soul. When he has patched her heart, that's when love is wholesome. Love is not a particle, nor an object. You're beautiful and you turn all gloomy things to light.
Again dear love, you're often found in the most hopeless situations. One can never predict or plan to find you.

My best friend,
You, loving me has always been the best thing ever since. Wonder if anyone can be like you? Will they ever know how much you've patched that once solidarity, broken heart of mine? Sometimes, the world revolves so fast that I can barely keep my chin up. Over and over, you're always there rescuing me in the worst nightmares.
If only I keep that in mind. Dear bestie, I recall when you'd protect me like none could ever get anywhere near me. I remember how I'd cry and wet your shirt. Yet, you lovingly caress me and put me close to your heart. In your arms, I sleep like a baby.
During nightmares, I remember how you'd coo me to sleep like how a parent would when an infant cries aloud. Your the sweetest thing that has happened to me. It's because of you that made me become who I am today.
I'd recall those hard moments that made us develop and grow together. We became so much so alike that everyone knew us as an item the minute we were glanced at. Everyone thinks we're good together and now, I realise why.

Dear rose,
You made me realise how sweet love can be. Of that love is inculcated from pains and struggles together. Love is when someone is willing to let go of themselves and ready to take the step forward for the ones they really treasure.

Love,
You're an nonexchangeable gift. To find love is to find the greatest treasure of all. Now that I know how close it's been to me, I shall treasure you.

My New Twenty

2011-01-29T04:49:00.000-08:00

Dear 2011,
Sorry for the late update. Just hardly had the strength or time to get inspired for the blog.. (Actually more of the eye stamina=SLEEP)

So anyways, I'll summarise what's been going on for the past whole month.

1st week~
Just begun work and I'm loving my job. I'm not used to work cause there's a lot of standing and my feet are as sore as ever. In fact, Flanil has been my bestie for the past week in easing my pain. Getting used to work isn't as easy as I thought it would be; from eating out, take outs to having to know things without being taught. Seriously, I was as blurr as ever! I bet most of my colleagues would think I'm some blurr person with no street smart brains. er
Oh and I forgot to mention that there's an awesome shih tzu that greets me practically all the time. I loved her since day one I met her.
On that very day, I met my first friend there as well... Mr.Alex
So if I were to thank anyone for educating me how to pack fishiess, its Alex. Speaking of which, I did forget to mention that on day one, I exploded the plastic when I was amaturely packing water and everyone around stared at me as if I was a fool or something. LOL

Week 2~
I haven't any mate for lunch since Alex decided to abandon me for Uni. (Jus kidding Alex)
Instead, I hung out more with my hon, OIC. Since this week, I can't ever imagine what it would be like once she leaves; which I don't quite look forward to.
This week, there's a dinner and everyone's looking forward to it. Clothes planning, table planning and so many more things. I think no matter where you go, girls will always be girls. They embrace fashion, hair and jewelleries even if the world was going to end today.
Dinner is on thursday which means we're off early. Yoohooo!!
I've been looking forward to it all week and yes, I had an awesome time! Some new experiences and oh...did I mention that I had a coursage tied on my hand? It was some sort like our company's mini prom. I'm crapping quite a lot here. Alex got back and I think he was our VVVVIP! Apparently, he's still not embarrassed of that. Haha.
This week was much better than the first but I still needed foot aid alot!
It ended with my friend leaving AGAIN.

Week 3~
It's boring on some of the days; bright and sunny on the rest of them.
I started to imagine having lunches alone and having different breaks with my darling cause of the change in timetable.
Mostly, I decided that books would be my best mate from then.
The good thing is, I started getting to talk a lot with SC.
Also after the past two weeks, I realise that customers come in all shapes and sizes. I realised too that lovers vary from the sweetest in everyway despite their backgrounds.
I noticed most people date in our workplace or take leisure walks around for no reason.
I realised that some customers were dangerous and merely approached me for my number.. THIS WAS CREEPY!! Believe me!
Besides that, I noticed how much I lack the general knowledge of machines or motorised accessories. I tend to escape or take a different turn when I see customers approaching products such as pumps, lightings and all. I prefer packing fishes instead to be on the safe side; since I don't explode plastic bags anymore.
I love staring at marine fishes when I'm bored. Their fins and gentleness in nature amuses me. And at many times, I still marvel and the wonders of every detail that God has created them in.
From the beautiful colours on their fins to the sea anemones.
One more thing, I never knew that fishes do war as well.

Week 4~
That's the current week I'm in.
So far, this week ticked a little slower due to the decrease in number of customers. Things are running not too expectedly and yeah, I still need a lot of sleep.
I'm still trying to figure out stuff slowly. Thank God for the past few weeks cause I got to widen my options. I had other people's opinion on what I should prepare for in future in terms of education wise. I still get nightmares about STPM results which will be due soon.
Did I forget to mention that I flooded M floor for carelessly changing the water using double hose. Or perhaps I got a littler moody and distracted.
Today's sales weren't bad. I'm wishing that I had a dog everyday and that things would work out the way I want it to. Oh and not to mention, Alex just got back. And his planning to leave again as usual.
Most importantly, I just got my new year clothes and I swear, I'll never do last minute shopping ever again!
I want a dress but I haven't got one for new year this time. I guess I'll just wait til I get my pay or something.

So that's for this few weeks so far. Enjoy and pray that I still live.

As always, much love~
Signing off~ Fi
xoxo

2010

2010-12-29T04:54:00.000-08:00

Dear 2010,
You're almost coming to an end. I wonder if you know how much readjustments you've done to me this year. You made me believe, yet; you made me laugh.
Times of which you made me lose hope, I'd be thinking and wishing for a do-over.
You chose this year to be one of the hardest; packaged with the worst exams I've ever sat for so far.
Somehow, you made me realise those who are my real friends and also unveiled my eyes to the one's who aren't. Due to this very reason, you made me careful of whom I should believe in. I wonder if you're happy to know that this will cause me to doubt a person more than ever. Wonder if I'll find another true friend or learn to trust full-heartedly.

2010,
I gained and lost friends along the way. I became both hard and soft in the inside simultaneously. I'm still confused to know if resolving matters results in crying or laughing. I have learnt that you can't attempt the things you don't love.
Life is about being bold, courageous and persevering no matter how hard it is.
Love comes most when it is unexpected. You may think that you don't love someone but it only shows through distance, sadness and jealousy.
Love isn't kind, its really not what's on your mind. It's more about what your heart whispers.

Lesson three, most of the time, darkness comes when you're on your own. You gotta learn how to stand on your own and depend most on God. There's no way out and challenges stands at every corner of your life. There's no such thing as different types of people in different places; because everyone is the same.

Fourth, success is not measured by level of victory; but how many hurdles you have overcomed. Being outspoken is not yelling or being rude, but speaking out your heart in a rational method.

Once again, writing still eases the soul of one when one is down. Its always alright to break down when you need to. Sleep it over and forget the past. Look forward to everyday no matter how dark it seems to be.

Dear 2010, you have made me realise that the future is new when you learn from your mistakes. I know now that the key to moving on is learning, forgiving and forging a new road. It's not succumbing to the past or letting the past reoccur. Taking a new road can mean leaving your painful habits behind.

Also, a guy doesn't always have to be your boyfriend. Guys can be good friends too. People can talk but you don't always have to listen to them. One thing to be sure that of course, you have to know that what you're doing is right.
If an advice is important, heed it. Listen, and try your best no matter how much it takes for a change.

2010, you were one screw up of a year. But if it weren't for you, I'll not have discovered the other half of myself. You make me treasure the precious values of life.

To 2011, I don't wanna make any promises; but I look forward to change. I look forward to a broad future. As night comes before morning, and winter before spring; I close my eyes now to a bright day tomorrow cause the frost is almost melting; and I can see the light coming.

You

2010-12-11T03:50:00.000-08:00

Have I not had you; will I still be shattered, ripped like torn linen. The picture, whole with you in it. Empty where you left, shadows up-braising the missing gap.

Chased by thousand laughter and dreams to come; it buoyed down to nothing.

Wonder it's just me or something too complicated. Abbreviated; came all of a sudden was a full stop.

Nightmares and the hollow nesting on the bed, thoughts run wild.

Cold; shuddering moments chill to death; I try not to put on a jacket. The gift of warmth, I waste my time wrapping myself; lighting hopes of flame in my heart. Those of warm embrace were sealed in the blue box with a blue ribbon. She shudders at the thought of ever keeping that long embrace for it throws her horrifying nightmares each time the wind blazes and breezes harshly.

Man's best friend, the dog lays by the side of its owner. It stares, awaiting evil to draw near that it might bark to protect her. Beside her each night, it lays with watchful, loyal eyes. I wonder if it'll still be the companion it once was. Will it be of company and warm love?

You knew the right thing to get or say. Each time I look into the mirror, the string around my neck, reminds me of the choices that brought me to you. Those of that you made that changed me and secured me. The pendant of gold purified and refined; how to forget those perfect moments carried?

She knew how much you cared, but there's no way in the world for things to get back to where they were. Boundaries, like a river in between.
She cries solemnly each night upon reciting the past.

Like the doctor, you cured her. But you never knew what it did to her heart when you left it in the middle of recovery. Left her too soon like leaving the toddler; barely able to walk or run.

If only you knew truly, her words for you. You're like the sun; irreplaceable. Warmness all gone when you leave then winter comes and it gets so dark.

She treasured you more than she ever mentioned; like how you'll keep a secret of the treasure chest all to yourself; afraid of it being stolen from you.

There's so many things she wishes to spill but a million words won't do. If only you knew how much of a diamond you meant to her...

Love looks not with the eyes, but mind. ~ William Shakespeare

Heard

2010-12-06T01:04:00.000-08:00

Do you feel like there's no one listening to you at times? Or like you're almost alone probably cause it's something you can't ask; or something that can't be answered.

I've been asking myself a lot of things for the past couple of months. Why this? Why that? Sometimes, I even ask, God, are you even listening? Or have you just turned silent all of a sudden??

My anger rushes at times til I burst out with streams of tears; thinking there's no way of escape. Like this has been the worst part of my life; not exactly but almost. Things get worst at times and I run heading nowhere. It's like an endless journey with no road signs and everything seems more than anonymous.

Through these times, when I thought no one heard me; I know that God did. I keep doubting Him cause I never understood the plans He has for me. Remember when I said God was silent? He isn't. He just waits to speak at the right time in a unique way to every individual. A good parent loves their child and would never throw anything bad at them. I know that now, and I don't wanna give up.
Faith is my name. On that, was I born. It's so impossible to believe of the plans He has installed for me because I see the view as it is. But God views from the top; an overall view.

As far as I know, I have a reason to look forward to. I may not know what is next, but even if something is intended for the worst, God will turn it to be for the best. To melt our hearts so that we can leap into the change of season.

There's a time when we cry and undergo pain, but there's something beautiful. Most importantly, when you feel like crying, know that there's God. He listens. In fact, His the best listener and He'll open a door for you at the right season at the right time. I did doubt, but I want to have that childlike faith once again.

I don't know the future but God holds it perfectly. I have a tingle that something good is coming. All I have to do now is leap to my Father and trust in Him.

Believe. Faith. Enter the new season.

What He Should Do For Her

2010-11-12T02:44:00.000-08:00

Most people say that he should love her more than she loves him.

On the day of his first date, he should get her red roses; wet with morning due. If he loves her, he should spill his feelings out in the gentlest ways he possibly can.

Confess your love to her only when you're ready to make a commitment. Tell her that you love her only if you mean it.

When you bring her out, don't forget to wear a double layer when it storms. If it storms and you hear teeth chattering, rub her hands and use your coat to provide her with warmth.

When she goes on a date with you, she'll always dress her best. Remind her that she's beautiful all the time.

A girl wants you to see her for who she is beneath her beauty, make up or the clothes she wears. Love, cherish her, and she will do almost anything for you.

As you speak to her, look into her eyes. Her eyes will give you clues. If she cries, don't just offer her your hanky. Let her lean against your shoulder and stroke her hair gently. She loves it when you do so. If you sniff her hair, don't forget to remind her that you did, cause she'll know that you noticed every detail of her.

Kiss her gently on her forehead when she cries and cup her chin in your arms. Blow into her face to calm, and assure her of your love.

If she ever says something bad about you, don't yell or answer back. She doesn't mean what she says. She's just being frustrated and devastated. Hug her tightly and be a man. Stand beside her in her hardest times and love her with all your heart.

Don't lie or cheat on her; coz you'll break her heart.

Most important rule is to love her more than she loves you. Cause even if she loves you less, she will when the time comes.

A Special Sisterhood in Friendship

2010-10-31T23:52:00.000-07:00

First things first, don't get me wrong; I totally love my sister the most...

I'm talking about a special bond also known as sisterhood but in friendship. It means that someone's like your sister, except that you guys aren't blood tied. But she's more than a friend.

I never knew I'd say this but yes, I think I've finally found my sisterhood after years. They say that friends fight, they cry, and laugh together. Here's one thing you never knew; or perhaps you already do... That most of the times, they may be the ones who knows you best and sometimes, we should already know who would tell us the truth.

Five years ago, at our first gym meet for the year, a girl stepped in. Man, what scared us all was her freaking flexibility! And never did it cross my mind that Ms. Flexible would be my bestie. She still is.. Until now :)

Schooling was hard now and then but the funniest thing is, we ended up working together for somewhat reason I don't know in our first gym competition. She got the music, we planned our routines together. I can't quite remember much but I do recall us snacking in the gym. Sleeping on the mattresses to chill out, then Pn.P (she thinks she owns the gym); would start all about how the gym is meant for exercising and not lazing around. Some weird teacher who can't even do gym, I might add.
I still remember once Mr Ang even mistaken both of us for being sisters. Most people thought we were when we hung out together.

The times which touched me most were the moments when we laughed alot. Reen would get me scrunchies and help me with my hair during competitions. We even planned our competition outfits! Those times were seriously awesome. She helped me out when I lost touch with my beam work, an I still really owe her much of my thanks. :)

Through out these five years, we had our rough patch too. But I guess, we both missed each other. (I didn't think I'll miss a friend any much more than I actually did). It was silent for awhile. Gosh, we both didn't even realise how much we both miss our friendship; chatting together, talking and gossiping for all I remember. Those strengthenings we did together and motivated ourselves despite pure torture.

Some friends are made to be with you through thick and thin. I think I've found mine. Doesn't matter what people think or say. My gym buddy, and bestie; a sisterhood that I've obtained from friendship.

A cloud forms before rain,
A rainbow after a heavy storm,
It seems dark at first,
But then, light is what sparks,
What's more than a friend,
Than the ones that stand by you?
Flowers stand together,
They die as one as well.

Dedicated to Reen.

Reminiscence in SGGS

2010-10-29T03:32:00.000-07:00

Just a couple of days ago, I flicked through some magazines. SGGS Prime 2007.SGGS Prime 2008.

I turned on the computer and reviewed our special night in June 2008. Those pretty gowns, those lovely smiles. Some old friends that reminded me of the warmth, those moments how all of us met innocently. How those moments we'd taken for granted during then. We learnt together, bonded during classes. I remember how we used to mimic teacher's behaviours. How we used to plan our outfits for prom and those awesome times we had together. I recall us even having Prom meetings that time! :) That was really something.

Being in high school has taught me so many things. It brought forth responsibility in me. SGGS is where we grew up in. We had projects together which made life tedious but yet; an enjoyable yet hectic time. Many times, we've fallen but our friendships stand strong. Being in SGGS taught me to forgive, to learn, to be open and love.

Friends have educated me so much. From practising to competing, to even planning together knitted us even closer. I understand now what I hadn't many years ago. When we took our first step into SGGS, what a marvel at the achievements our seniors set for us. We were small, and had so much to learn. Now that time has passed, I realised that not only have we cultivated wisdom, courage but also sisterhood that would never die.

Internally, each of us have a bond that we'll never forget from being impaired in the process of growing. We saw each other's weaknesses, but we gave each other room to progress. Sometimes, it is not the bitter moments that stays but the good that retains in our hearts. I wonder how many Georgians out reminiscence those moments every now and then.

I miss you gurls. Its true when they say red is courage. Bravery. Every Georgian is unique, talented. The all-in-one package. I would definitely agree when teachers used to quote this... Cause its so true! Georgians are pure beauty with brains.

Georgian babe..Signing off *blow kisses*

Rough Edge

2010-10-26T08:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

I can't figure out why this is another difficult passer by for me. It's not the exams that worry me alone this time. The first step I have taken is sweet; you'll somehow end with a bitter departure.

It feels like all over high school again. To wish for a do over, to wish for happiness; everyone wishing for strings of As.

For me, I'm looking forward to Christmas this year. Reason number one, is that STPM will be past over. Mostly, I'm looking forward to a change of environment and a gift this year.
Not a car. Nor an iPhone. My only hope this year is that love, good friendship and a good future will fall along my path.

It's a tough journey and things are wearing me down; physically, mentally, socially and emotionally. Tired of being tied down to books. On top of that, bad tummy pains. What's more?
Undeniable ties you thought would last. I see friends laughing around accompanied. What then about me?

I look the into the mirror and wonder, if there'll be ever another image. One that will support me, to guide and be there for me. I swing in the park. An empty seat beside me. I see a couple nearby in deep support towards each other. Friends getting ones who care about them, even if not guys, then just pure, sweet girlfriends to talk to.

How long more will it take before this moment is over?
My tears keep streaming. I huddle in my bed with wet pillows.
I wish that this is all just a dream.
Why can't someone shake me up and tear me from these hurts or pain?
I wish that when I wake up, all these nightmares will disappear, and someone will catch me in this dark hour.

Dear God, I know your listening. All I wish for this Christmas is for good friends, love and a future. Amen.

To The Very Last Battle...

2010-10-01T18:48:00.000-07:00

Trials were just over about a week ago.
Each waking day is is redirected to fright and the countdown to destiny....
OUR DESTINY....
Its just two months away and I'm not progressing any better than I thought I would. Disappointments after disappointments; I still ask myself each day if I have time to catch up. Time to pick up; or time to relearn the things I should have in my earlier convenience. Why should I look back? I did whatever I could. Just that it wasn't merely enough.

Time is ticking and it feels like the time bomb is almost due. Yet, I'm still like a semi-prepared soldier for battle. Lacking modified armor to withstand darts of fire from the enemies. A wrong hit, and I may land up as..... NOTHING! Worrisome and slight fatigue is eating on my bones.

The look in everyone's eyes. Their gray rings below of that of their eyes which cry anxiety. Hardly a smile puckers over the edge of their lips. Frowns on their temples and nothing more than clenched fingers. It freaks me out more than ever. I've hardly got this amount of pressure to push myself despite falling over and over. I know, its something I'll have to work out.
Somehow, this is my one and only last chance. Last year of schooling means last year of achieving.

Though my stomach cramps with fear, my heart beats countlessly, the strength to pursue still has to stay. Its for myself and the people around me. Prove them wrong. Prove myself that I can take a challenge. I'm not gonna give up now. Not even at the last resort. Its going to be the hardest journey as a youth, but I want to believe in the positive that is bound to happen.

Self-motivation. Determination. Inspiration. Whispers into my ear. Yes, I tell myself. I want to believe but I know, its going to take my more than myself. Something bigger for the impossible. I'll await the supernatural. Cause natural can't save me now. Not by myself, I know you are with me.

Believe. Triumph. And I shall! Don't give up now to my friends out there who are reading this. We're gonna work this together. Hold on tight to the end of this year's journey.

Fighting The Treasures of Life...

2010-08-11T22:03:00.000-07:00

What do you do when things are broken?
Throw it? Leave it? Or deal with it?
Until last week, I never realised how much I would do to fix something that's broken. Until it became perfect once again. No matter how many times those letterings from the chain kept falling apart, I deliberately chose to sit for half an hour fiddling and fixing it up. It wasn't the first.

Over and over again I never allowed my belongings to extend its way to be less used. I would fix it. Use pliers til its perfected. Even when my school uniforms were slightly torn, I would sew it back until that gap has closed.

Have you wanted anything so badly, that you'll do almost anything to make sure its perfect?
As far as I know, I'm that person. I keep asking myself why Fi? Why? ...
Its not just merely about fixing things that are broken. It's about how much I want to straighten things out so that in one way or another, fight for its existence.

When something or someone means to you, you'll never let it slip through your fingers. Instead, you'll fight for its right to stay as long as it possibly can. I wonder sometimes if fate decides who or what you become. I mean what if, its supposedly not in the plan of your life. But you chose that path yourself. Its not meant to be yours, and yet, you would snatch it as hard as you can; even if its out of your grasps. If fate determined that you shan't get it and signs around you indicate so, would it not be right to still oppose reality?

If you knew someone was leaving today for good, and you had the chance to stop it, would you? Fate can be fate. But what if, fate is wrong? What if, we can really reach out for what we yearn for? Is it not right to fight for it?

Monday was an incident. Today is not a coincidence.

Class 2010 will be our last year in high school. What is high school without a proper ending? Memories are the only elements we can keep after this. Of friendships, experiences and so many more undescribable things that has mould us into individual selves. Today I made a decision, that is to try. I wonder how many people are on my side to get our night. A night that all of us will never forget. A night to cherish in our memories forever. I'm going to fight for what I believe in. I know that my fellow friends want this too.My hopes are that things will work out and that everyone will steer towards our goal of being united before we leave each other. I love you people who are so awesome.

I'm not stopping until I have no road or options left. After all, these are the treasures we are fighting for...

Fidelia. xoxo

Battle between books,and life...

2010-08-11T00:16:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry for the delay in my blog update. As you can see, this is the battle between books and life. Thanks to Brian, here's the update. Why does this sound awkward? Hmphh. Never mind.

Lately, I've been pondering over what I'd wanna do rather than focusing on how. A musician perhaps. Or a writer? I have no idea. And I have particularly no idea on how to gear myself into the correct mode.
Class has quietened down. Less chatters, less noise or gossips. More on the sound of flipping pages and pin drop silence. Where has all the noise and cheeriness gone?

Everyone is constantly focused and not easily distracted. I stare at my pages with thoughts of what to do? Why aren't I studying? Why am I just staring??

I still can't determine where I go, but setting goals aren't a crime right? So that's what I decided to do. Since I'm not born an artist, I've decided for now to push myself towards my goals in order to maintain in the science stream. It's difficult. But at least for now, I have something to start my engine running. No more time to start the wheels. We've got to race towards the finish line. Or you'll be left behind.

I slacked back last week due to tension. It's like a partial breakdown. The only thing I keep telling myself is that there's no more time for break downs. Get up and run again. Time to time we remind ourselves when our mind battles the thought of lazing and studying. Hey, I never said I was perfect...

Today, we had an education fair. Looking into the requirements for entry into Uni really made me realise how great the competition is. If I don't get up and fight now, I'll be swept away just like falling into a whirlpool and never coming out of it. This is the Future! And there's no turning back now that I've come this far. I need those As.
Motivation. Speed. Concentration. Understanding. Most importantly..... FOCUS.
The elements to succeed.
I still wonder what's going to happen. People say that you determine the road of your life. I'm doing something about it by starting right now. If your with me, meet me at the finish line.
Cry now in pain and cry for joy later. People say that we are the cause of shaping our roads and future. Do you?

Relay for Life...

2010-06-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

'Dear Grandma, when I lit those flames, I thought of you...'

Yesterday was Relay for Life. It never occurred to me before the reason for me being so enthusiastic about getting involved in this programme.
I felt like there was a reason why I was linked to it.
After yesterday, I realised the reason why.
Cancer is sickness that tears and separates the loved ones away. Cancer is painful and if only people knew the pain undergone.
When I watched my friends sending messages to their loved ones on the luminiria bags, tears welled up in the pool of my heart. I could sense the pain for the lost of those they have been fighting for to live and love.

If cancer hadn't struck my grandma, she would still be here with me. And I know things would have been different.
When I sent my fire of love, I hope she knows that deep down, I hope to meet her again.

Despite the circumstance, I still pray and hope that other cancer patients who are battling the war will remain strong. My prayer for you is that, you will make it through to be with your loved ones. Life is a gift and a gift, will never be taken away from you if you hold on to it.

This indeed, was a very meaningful event to me. For the previous years, I never got a chance to observe the Luminiria ceremony. But after I did, I know deep down, that hope is always there. Hope to survive; hope to continue to battle, and hope to be reunited with our loved ones again.
My dear grandma, this is for you.

Love,
your granddaughter. xoxo

You're never alone...

2010-06-04T07:43:00.000-07:00

'Babe, if I could whisper into your ears, I would reaffirm you that you're never on your own.'

Sometimes the tears you shed,
Those you cry in pain,
Are sore and heart wrenching.
No one sees that lone that dwells within your heart,
Your friends have left,
Your standing in the middle of the field.

Things come and go. One second to be seen and another to disappear. Sometimes, it doesn't feel right when we can't seem to fit in. Everyone's laughing and sneaking gossips while your sitting by your desk by the window, ever wondering if anyone really cares.

She smiles and speaks like she is full of radiance; but inside, she keeps many things locked in her heart. I only realised that when we think we don't fit in, we aren't really the only ones.

When I see her alone, I wonder if I could go up to her and tell her, you're not on your own. I too, see the lone in your eyes and share those dreadful moments at times.
If only she knew, I would want to be, that missing friend she always needed.

In another situation; where a girl has just lost betrayal of her good friends, I wish to go up to you and say, "Hey, I've been there before, and everything is going to be okay".
It doesn't have to be a friend. It could be a recent break up.
I recognize those sorrows in your eyes and the pain you must be feeling. My dear, if you happen to read this, my hopes for you is that you'll be strong. Know that, your still a jewel; treasured and worthwhile. So what if he is a jerk? You're an awesome babe, and I'm glad to have you as my buddy.

To the one who has always been waiting with a heart or want for the truth, my wish for you is that you'll let the path lead you. If ever you have lost your love who has been swept away, always look forward for the best which is yet to come.

Stand on the beach today and you'll realize this one thing. The ground is full of tiny dust of sand. But if you look carefully, each of them are like little separate beads, linking up to form the ground.

If you look harder in life, there's more that is installed for you. Your like the fine grain of sand, waiting to belong. Indeed, your not wrong.

If ever your lost, or alienated, know that you still have someone greater inside with you. That's yourself. Be strong and never give up cause you're never on your own.

If you ever feel like there's no one left in your life, let me be the first to tell you that someone out there cares. I care about you too. It may not be me, but there is someone waiting out there to love you.

Hair, Dogs, Wild imaginations...

2010-05-20T05:18:00.000-07:00

Hello...
And you know it. :)
It's me again as always. Your one and only. LOL
Seriously, I'm just talking today cause I'm really bored; to a certain extend.
Entertain me if you must. *Sneers*

Daydreaming, reading, studying... Can't quite decide which is better.
It's been really quiet around here. And I have no idea why.
During this 'quiet' moment, a lot have been running through my thoughts lately.
I've been pondering about what I really like. What should I do after STPM??
Or what is it that I really want for my future that won't keep me all uptied.
I don't wanna be stressed out like how hectic it is right now. No offense, but Science is seriously digging my brain out.
I love music, but yet; I wonder again if that's what I truly want.
Almost everyone seems to fly in the direction their heading for...And me?
I don't even know what to do. Even if I did, I wouldn't know how to get about it.

My mind has been drifting afar. Planning on how long it would take before I can style my hair again. (Believe me when I say, long hair is my asset!) The type of rubber bands to use. The hairbands and scrunchies of mine that are already collecting dusts.

As lonely as it can possibly get, I also asked myself one thing.
If I'll ever find the right YOU.
If all else in my life isn't perfect, the one thing I would ask for to at least not be screwed up is YOU.
Sometimes, I wonder if there's anyone who will ever melt my heart. The one whom mom would look right into the eyes and say, that's the one.
I used to think of myself finding the one so soon.
Mom may not believe me now, but after so many years which have gone past, I don't even know if I'll just open my heart anymore.
I know I seem to be a goo-goo gah-gah but that's not what's written within the walls of my heart.
All I want, is for someone to watch out for me. And love me; not for how I look. Someone who really understands me for the inside.
Yet again, there's still a long way to go.

*Thoughts fading. Moving on*

*Quietness. Pin drop silence*

If only I had something to break my silence. I'm not trying to be emo-istic. I think though, I need PET for crying out loud!
Sometimes friends are there. But how much can they be there all the time right?
I get so bored I tend to surf the Net too often.
The thought of having a dog, came into my mind. A pal, and friend.
Hey, dogs are still the best mates to get you know. I think of them as your security guard.
My tear pillow. Someone to listen to you and hear you out. Giving you all the kisses when your heart is breaking and allowing your hands to stroke their warm fur when your bored.
The thought of having a best friend to look into my eyes and sit by my side during the late nights.
I would love, if my pup would come to live.

Reflections. Memories. I wonder often what life would be if not for the choices I have made.
If I had a second chance to turn things around. Or perhaps, fast forward time. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like if I had a do over.
What if? What if not?

Questions still juggle in my head almost all the time.
All the time, my mind is still awake.
I may look like I'm asleep, but I think not.
My day starts by linking my previous nights thoughts or dreams. Bad way to say that I ain't getting good sleep this days. Dreams seem to mix with reality; and vice versa.
I'm sleep deprived, and these things need to stop!
I don't know how, or why...

Jesus, let me sleep well and not think of the unnecessary. Give me sweet sleep too. Amen.

Close to blackout...

2010-04-20T21:39:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, I'm back. And it's bad that I'm writing at a time like this. I'm supposed to be in school but here I am anyway...
Yea, about that, I'm actually on medical break; so don't throw any accusations at me yet.
Muet exam is coming like this Saturday and I bet I'm so gonna get screwed by Ms.A once I get back. Sorry teacher, I don't like missing your class but I sorta have to. For health's sake.

Anyway, here I am... To tell you about my shuddering experience just a couple of days back.
First and farmost, I haven't actually had an actual black out before if it never came to your attention.

Let me relate the incident if you would allow me.( You have to cause its my blog anyway. LOL)
We had a photo shoot on Monday. We had to arrange ourselves and trust me, I felt like usual. So there was no way I could picture what was about to occur. Partly sandwiched and moving in and out made me feel a little dizzy.
All of a sudden, I began feeling the heat within my body. It was a weird feeling and my tummy began to hurt out of the ordinary. It was the kind of pain that would insist you to sit and crouch. But, the need for me to do it wasn't necessary; or so I thought. Dumb enough, I continued standing despite the discomfort.
The pain increased by the minute; and perspiration began forming on my palms, which were rare in a way. My body shivered as I felt cold sweat all over my back.

Three, Two, One....
I heard the photographer's voice trailing off. I never understood why they called it 'black out'. But after that day, I did. Seriously, I would like it better when people say that you see the light.
However, this was more than total opposition. There was no light, and instead, I saw films of grey. They were shadowing into darker black mist overtaking my view. My vision was insistently getting darker, blurrer, and all I could see was hardly anything.
"Stay on, Fi", I told myself. "You can't just pass out, your way too high up, if you fall, no one can catch you. You might get serious concussion and so on...Muet exam this Saturday. Nothing must happen. Keep your eyes open", I kept repeating to myself.
So, I did. Persevered the torture.

'Last time(for the shot)...'
Thank God, if not I think I might have plopped unto the ground. My friends noted the change and helped me out. To my surprise, I was already covered with perspiration and I could hardly respond to my surroundings.
After awhile, I guess I felt much better.

Dad decided that I needed a check up. That explains my absence in school today.
Make sure I'm perfectly normal before anything goes secondary.
Had a blood test this morning. And at least for once, I hadn't as much fear as before.
One thing for people who haven't taken blood test before, don't be as foolish as me.
The first time, I stared at the needle; causing more pain to myself than I already had.
I know its silly, just telling you guys incase you might be as 'curious' as me.
Today, I was afraid. That the needle may break if I was too tensed.
I had to overcome it.
What did I do?
I stared away from the needle as I felt the thin, fine, cold pricking end stick through my skin.
Thoughts of the most beautiful things entered my mind. It was time I escape reality for once.
My mind wandered off to the place I created. A place with lovely tall grasses of dandelions, a pavillion, a swift white horse galloping through, and a little girl twirling in her white summer dress. She smiles at me each time I felt the shrieking pain. Her hair is golden brown and curly at the ends; hanging beyond her shoulders all the way to her waist. Those rosy cheeks and joy made me feel better. As the pain felt sharper again, I thought of... You.
Of how I felt afraid, your company drew my fears all away.
It's like you were there somehow.
At least I know your here.

Even if someday I might black out or undergo pain, I know that you'll be here.
I won't be afraid of what might come, because you make me stronger.

Beauty

2010-04-06T01:09:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have no idea why I am encountering this phrase...
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder".

This quote is so true. Your beautiful. I'm beautiful. And its not because we have dead jaw-dropping looks or those awesome body curves. It's what lies in the inside of you.
Some of my close friends tell me all the time, "I'm ugly." Or "I'm not pretty".

I sigh each time upon hearing those comments; and I'm trying so hard to convey this very message. It is not how flawless your face is. Its not about the clothes you wear, or the make up you use.
It's about the heart. As long as you have any of these, your definitely beautiful!

The 10 golden rules about being beautiful(according to Fi):
1. Kind
2. Talented
3. Cute( Incase you search the dictionary, I don't mean ugly and adorable. I mean genuine cute)
4. Sweet
5. Intelligent
6. Good hearted
7. Patient
8. Bold, confident
9. Caring
10. Gentle and soft spoken

Did you realise that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes by the way?
Yes, I'm talking about thin, and the cuddly ones too.
Beauty is the insight of us. Something that outshines to the external surface.
It's our identity, and not a mimic.
We cry all the time, thinking that we're not good enough. We don't have the perfect body, or face.
But, its not true. Your heart matters most.

In any circumstances, I for one feel that we shouldn't go based on the exterior.
Imagine someone who isn't that all great; but with an admired spirit.
After staring much longer, you'll see that beauty.

Notice that life is always solely based on the surface. But, I suggest that you take a closer look. I mean, believe me or not. It will happen.

What's beauty without a heart of gold? Don't lie that you wouldn't like someone to treat you with love. Don't lie to yourself that you only want the beauty of a person who rips your heart apart.
Cause we all know that life is not merely about being noted most pretty person but Beautiful.
Both outward and inward.

To people with low self esteem, Don't be discourage. If no one notices you now, don't be devastated. Don't cry. Be proud of yourself and lift your head held high.
Everyone is special and unique. It's only a matter of when we discover ourselves.

Life's a challenge. Life's to make you beautiful. Your life means something. Embrace yourself and never give up.
Your beautiful, and you know it :)

The Fear I overcomed...

2010-03-31T23:44:00.000-07:00

If you asked me to speak in front of a large crowd some time ago... I would say this: NO WAY!!

Here goes:
26th March 2010
Last rehearsal before my life and death(don't forget, I'm a stage fright person). It all begin when I read the news and decided to try myself at a challenge. People always quote that facing your fears will enable you to overcome them.
Anyway, I always think that it's best to hide. So people wouldn't laugh at me. Don't like to be sneered or gossiped at for one thing. Which made me actually lose the guts to try.
But my teacher, Ms.J was really encouraging. :) Thanks teacher.
We had practices the weeks before; and I pretty much enjoyed myself.
Today's the last day of practise. All nerves chill and I'm becoming more nervous.
That goes for my brain too. It freezes and... BaaM!! No information coming out. Now you know my defination of stage fright.
It's night, and I'm surprised that I actually feel tired enough to shut my eyes a few minutes after getting to bed.

27th March 2010
Good morning.. And today's kinda a big day for me... In case you missed it, I HAVE STAGE FRIGHT!! There... I said it.

Gathered out of the hall. Its time to get into the waiting room. We feel really nervous and even worst when everyone else just seem to look so serene. Keish thinks we should all pray. So we do.
The competition goes like this...(I forgot to mention though its public speaking. )
We get called according to the name list. And again, sometimes I wonder why my name begin with an 'F'. ( I do like my name alot, don't get mistaken)
I get 30 minutes to write up and present right after.
God, please give me a good topic. Please don't make me get a shorter life...

"LIFE"
My topic of the day is life. There's so many things to say. Where to begin?? I start writing up my scripts and little notes. My brain can't think again. Process Fi!! I tell myself.
Tick tock!Tick tock!

And next from Penang Chinese Girls High School.....
Crap, my turn is up!!

*Clearing throat*
Good morning ladies and gentlemen, my topic today is 'life'. Are you breathing right now? Are you living right now? In science we learn that an ovum fuses with and egg to form an embryo. After several months, the first heart beat of the embryo is known as... Life...
(Blablabla...I can't mention the whole thing here though)

As I was speaking, I tried to look into the audience eyes. I try not to refer to my notes. But, I got too nervous that I nearly forgot all my points. I repeated slightly. Just to keep the flow going.
End.
Audiences applaud, my teacher smiles at me.

Skipping to the results, didn't quite make it to the finals. I have no idea why everyone thinks I'm sad about it. In fact, I'm really quite satisfied already.
It took more than guts to take the stand and continuously utter without faltering and stopping and running down the stand. But, I did!! I finally finished til the word 'Thank you'.
I never knew that I would actually stand up a crowd and hear myself finally end.
I did it! if only dad and mom were here to celebrate the moment with me.
To me, it's not about the winning. It's that I finally learnt to overcome my fears.
I could speak in a crowd. My own victory. That's what matters most.
You don't have to be a champion, cause your already a winner.

To those out there who are reading, fear comes in every way. Sometimes, we just need to believe in ourselves to overcome them.
So, start believing and you'll make it through!
That's from me for now.
Cheers!!

If you'll ever know...

2010-03-21T23:39:00.000-07:00

I wonder if you know....
That I never knew there was more to life than just simply falling in love.
If you knew that I never thought there are people like you.
They just show up from no where and then pull you into this world you wish there'll always be.
A place in between fantasy and reality.
It's like your neither here nor there.
Sometimes its so hard just to speak to you.
Warmed my heart and left it cold.
I don't even know if you know.
Feel like running away from reality and going to where things should be.
I daydream from night until almost dawn of day. I curl up in bed, tears stream. And I don't know why.
I wish to be cuddled and told that everything's going to be just fine.
If there was a fireplace and I could warm myself; and if the joy that filled me can overflow once again, I would like that.
I had a shallow mind and you made me see in deeper.
We had too much to say, and I wonder if you ever recapped it before you sleep.
When you left, I cried and I hoped each day that something or at least, a miracle could happen.
I wonder again if you know what I wish to say to you.
And that each time you talk, its just so funny and I have no idea why.
If you'll ever ever know these little things.
Just know that there is always something that I've wished to tell you.
But I dunno when or how...
However, I wish to know instead, what's in your mind...

The Last Few Fears of Schooling...

2010-02-25T03:39:00.001-08:00

The morning seemed like any usual morning to me. I know today is not an occasion for me or anything like that. But I simply have no idea what kept bugging the inner me...

Tick tock. Tick tock. I felt like time purposely slowed down. And of all days, it had to pick today.

It's now ten and a few of us are assigned to the meeting room.
Off we go heading still drenched in our daze and sleepiness. Yes, the teachers have already been working and our presence was additional assists to them. So here's the deal. We help them out and the more advantages we get for social work. (something like that).
My fingers trail down the list while my friend mentions the results.
At first, it seems like nothing. As I continue, sweat begins to develop and exit via my pores . I feel like my tie is strangling me so I adjust it slightly.
My tummy doesn't feel so good. It's either I had a really bad breakfast this morning; or it could be something else...That spells..Well, I don't know. Maybe... ANXIETY??

We break off for recess and I can hardly utter a word. My thoughts are running wildly. What if, I'm not cut out to do this? What if, this is really not what I want?
Why didn't I know that was what I wanted earlier?
Why am I undergoing all the trouble and tension when I could have taken the easier way out??
Questions and more of them kept drumming into my mind.

I think to myself...ENOUGH! And so I try to taste what I'm really chewing. Apparently, the food taste so bad today. I wonder again if it's just me.. Or the food.

We get back to the meeting room. It's now time for the others to know if their input shows via their output. The weirdest thing is, I never thought that, this would seem so horrible for me.
Instead of the girls being nervous, I felt like butterflies were tumbling clumsily in my stomach.
My heart was pounding hard and fast. My palms were sweaty. And it seemed as if I was lost.
I felt like I was in their position.

The thing is, last year was an experience I would never forget.
Everyone always expected the best out of me. Been doing not too bad since forever. However, last year broke my perfect history. A slight amiss results in disappointments. Too much high expectations. It did me nothing else but landing me in tears, devastation, guilt and a broken heart. That was the fear I never wanted ever again.

Watching those girls...Some cried just the way I did. Not being good enough. Some were too ecstatic; thinking that all their effort paid off. I felt for those who had cried out of disappointments. I was in their position before. It's not a joke, and this is..the future.

That moment made me realize, that it's time to wake up. No more fairytales and fooling around. I'm so afraid.. What if, that is me again? What if I can't make it through this time?
What if the world is turning too fast..That everyone can cope with it but me?
I've gone so far, but I wonder, if I will make it through somehow...
I know that things are difficult, but I have to try. If some of them made it, why can't I?

The feelings are so complicated. I wonder if I can even pass maths. Or at least hit an 'A'. I wanna try my best. I just hope, I won't be disappointed again. So I'll give my best shot, but expect nothing in return. That way, maybe, I'll be much better off.

*p/s: I'll update when I feel like some time later. Bye.

The sight...

2010-02-17T03:39:00.000-08:00

Staring straight into the screen. My eyes are hurting badly.
Maybe it is due to the lack of sleep I had last night. The stress is on my eyes just to make sure that I get to finish reading before I'm back to my hectic life.
Been trying to chill lately, but things seem to mount up.
Finally, I think it's time to blurt out everything.
The scent of my hair is currently a replica of tar..(and I literally meant tar as in tar from the tree..herb kind of thing.)
Current update, removing my spectacles and glaring out of the window is not anywhere near my list.
It's been almost more than a month since I strained my eyes. It would tire out easily and sometimes it just makes me so frustrated.
From almost not seeing speeding cars ahead on the road to running into the walls. And that is just barely the beginning. Numerous times I would miss a step or get out from somewhere with a blue black on my knee.
Sometimes I feel like leashing it out ..
People think I'm being negligent or pretending to be lazy. But that's really not the point.
The fact is, people don't really understand.
Without my glasses, everything is merely like a faded scrap of painting.
Faces can't be recognised unless brought to closer look.
I bet I'll actually slip into the drain if I hadn't any on.
As I'm writing now, the light is piercing fiercely.
During the day, it's just light beaming sharply and blinding my sights.
Everything turns grey black for awhile . And my pupils are left stunned from closing suddenly.
Sometimes, the view is lovely when accompanied by natural sounds.
Sometimes, people keep pasturing me into doing lasers.
This isn't braces... ( I tell them)
It's not something you can change overnight. There are internal risks and the possibilities of facing eye damage or blindness.
Even if that's not the case, a laser is still a knife that slices through.
I'm not afraid of the pain.
I know that it will bounce back to consequence number one..that is BLINDNESS
But doctors will deny them. Effects will happen many years later. And eventually, blindness it still the case.
I'm rather grateful that I can still see. And that there is the invention of glasses.
However, my prayers are that, one day...
I will get to see the world from a different perspective. Perfectly...
I'm looking forward for a miracle.

Its Only One Reflection Now...

2010-01-21T04:58:00.000-08:00

Mirrors are surrounding me...
All around from left to right; from front to back...And the only image I see is....ME.

I toss around in bed all night upon thinking how cold I've been feeling lately. It's been so long since I got a warm hug and someone to assure me.
Someone to guide me when I'm confused and so, to give me the advise at the right time.
My barometer to monitor my heat when its rising.

Lately, my tears have been nothing but droplets of helpless feelings. Once, they used to be the key to getting reassurance; which now has become all too quiet. My pillows are damp and yet, no one barely can notice at all. Crying myself to sleep so often, I barely realize that my pillow is dry as soon as dawn approaches.

The sun used to be my smiles, but now hath turned into scorching heat unto my skin. Rain and clouds has become my frequent acquaintance.
If I could spell the weather in my heart right now, it would be gloomy and dark.
Waiting for rain in the desert that is hopeless and will never come.

Life evolves around so quickly.

I just shut it yesterday. Opening them today brought absolute changes which I had not foreseen some time ago.
The merry laughter and company once I had is now turning quiet. Constant disagreements.
This I can spill out to no one...When I get the guts to, I fall apart again.

I don't want people to think that I depend on them for everything. I don't want to be the weak person that cannot stand when the wind blows harsh.
Yet, I fumble and stumble; crying on the ground, and trying to forget about the scary nightmares.

Although I'm surrounded by a pool pf people who care about me, its still not enough to cure this deep hole in me.
It's like losing a part of your body, that you can't breathe...
So much for trying to be tough, the wall is crumbled deep inside.
The humming birds sit in pairs. The pond has only one reflection..Sadly, that's me. It would take so much more than persuasion and love to bring me back to my feet and be jolly like I used to be.

It is a new year, and I'm trying to change my perspectives.. But how??
It's just so difficult when news break with the worst beginnings. How am I then gonna get my head start when the world can't even organize itself in place??

It frightening to think of the possibilities that loneliness may well in you for a long period of time.
Despite the thought, I know things are going to be alright. But when??

I'm doing the right thing now and I'm very positive about it. No change of mind. However, its a deep spleen in the soul, and a dagger in the heart.

In this misery, I pray things will end soon... So many things in just a little while. A turnover and a jaw snap of the predator in a blink of an eye.

The world has just come to its worst, but as long as there is a lit of hope; I too join in hoping that nothing else will turn out wrong.

I wonder why...

2009-10-31T04:37:00.000-07:00

It's been really tough. Totally not at all kidding; but seriously, form six is much of a killer.
I had many options where to, and where not to go..
But i wonder what made me choose this path?

There are some times when we can't escape of our doings; bringing consequences to our lives.

Before this, i figuredthat studies weren't so much of a bad thing.
But after this, I can't wait to tell the whole world how i feel..
Yet, on the other hand, some may think I'm mentally unstable or maybe..LUNATiC!!

However, I do cry each time i have the thought of picking the book.
I don't understand..Why am i doing this?
Is this for myself?Or am I simply doing this to prove everybody wrong..
Trying to be nothing but the 'pride;, when i know this could end up ruining everthing instead?

Have i not considered other things that may lay less burdens or strains?

I used to love science way back.
But is seems i almost hate it now.
For its depth, and perhaps level of difficulty?!
To blame no one but myself.

Sometimes, I feel like its the biggest mistake of all time; and want very much to turn the hands of the clock!
Seriously, i can't shift to another plan no more.
I'll be throwing all my time and effort instead..
But why din't i think of arts earlier?..Designing, or something with less deal of pressure..

I have no idea right now why..
A wise person did however say that, everything does happen for a reason.
Some say persevere and reward will come my way..

I do try to see the bright side too though.
Form six has made me much of a mature and grown girl..
To discard the old and be educated; moulded into nothing but the finest .

I realized many things after my transfer over and ever since i began with new terms in school.
Friends...
Finally found the true meaning of them.
Always there to help and support each other; you'll never imagine how true friendship among girls can be.
As close as sisters and faithful, always upholding and helping each other.
I never seen this kind of friendship all my life.
But one was right, that making this choice would bring me friends, I'll treasure for life.

I recall being in the most depressing moments and being held up by my peers.
I recall the way i was warmly greeted when I felt alone and foreign.

I know i complain of my used to be, and choices.
But maybe, just maybe after, this was my second chance.
Back in school to make things right.
To see what joy schooling actually is.
To taste the sweetness in friendship; forgetting the bitter and hurtful ones.
Gaining good attributes and proper guidance.
Maybe changing my perspectives and making me understand.

I'm still striving through at times in tears when facing the books.
But, i'm quite sure that I'll make it through.
More gained, and nothing lost.
It's hard, but again.... WHAT ISN'T??
For the best in life, i guess sometimes, we do have our difficulties but it will only make us stronger in facing challenges in future.
I'm standing on the positive side of life; hoping that tomorrow will be better than yesterday.

I want to..To come out successfully.
And be proud of myself someday, saying I made it through the hard storms without backing out.

I guess they were right when they quoted, ' Having faith and to believe in yourself'.
Now i know why.
And i'm gonna pursue my dreams and follow on until I reach my future.

I'm waiting for tomorrow and I'm glad that things have changed.
I'm glad to have friends i can count on.
And also, i can't wait to see when I'll step up into success.

I won't give in or give up.
Don't let anything tear myself down...I'm moving on and nothing's gonna stop me now...

A New Day, A new start...

2009-07-09T06:28:00.000-07:00

I turned back and took my last glance after experiencing the Georgian life for da past six years..

Its now Monday, and I barely made up my mind if i should make a decision that was just about to change part of my future..
To continue striving or changing myself for the best..It was indeed one of the hardest decision i had to make; i admit...
Between throwing myself to a total new environment..or just living in the old..
It was plainly just a decision that only i could determine..

I cried over before being afraid of unleashing myself to a whole new world of education..
A new hairstyle, new life...I thought that things wouldn't work out well at first..
and yet, despite all that, i knew that moving school would be the right thing..
I opposed at first, but i knew that I would be much better off here somehow.
I felt that in my guts, and thought, why Not?
maybe give it a shot...

However, it took me some time later before i really put my foot down and confirmed my decision.
Then, there it was where i prepared for a change; an evolve...
A new flavor, a new lifestyle..
There a watched the scissors snipping of my hair and down to the ground..
I know i won't regret this..i tell myself..

The following day, i step foot into my new school..
I was warmly welcomed and greeted by my classmates as well as school mates.
Everythin was better than i previously expected it to be..
All i noe that now I'm better off and i know after these two years, somehow, wil be my most treasured years of schooling..
I know i'll look back someday and not regret my decision..
It was a big sacrifice and yet, with my family 'n' loved one's support, here I am..
I know that I'm happy where I am placed now..
And that things fall into its place at its individual timing..
At first i asked myself why here??but, now i realize that everything is good and hopefully continue to work out well.
After the five years of struggle in high school, i know this is the time...
The time for me to shine..And the time for me to appreciate high school.
The time for me to have a new beginning and not to look back..
To be the best I can be..
And to all out there who are reading this, there's always a second chance that passes by.
You just have to know when and where..
grab it and use it while you can..
Things may oppose the flow of the norm, but you never know when life becomes lemon..

And to all who have showed me care 'n' support throughout, really appreciate you all!!
Thanks so much!!

I'll update soon!! *tata*

The Irreplaceable...

2009-05-08T07:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I look back..
In photos, albums..
Wadeva dat counts..I reliase there's so many things that I never realised until just of late.
Friends, people and all that have come our way.
Memories... And sometimes people around you who know you best make changes in your life...
Sometimes, however, like an ordinary human...i would think of myself as...
I was hard and never trusted the real words that i ought to have listened a long time ago.
Sometimes, you never know when you think its over, there's always a guardian angel watching over you...can be anyone..
But its if you choose to see it...

As i recall the days I had with my past best friend throughout lower secondary, I realise now how much I've missed out just listening to a third party..
I remembered how much we used to delight in poetry, colours, throwing pranks in class.
Sharing our secrets and mostly having the time of sparing each other each time. we used to get out asses contaminated by sitting on the floor in class; gleeing and laughing when teachers were usually unable to attend classes..
How we shared a book of our own stories and identities, hidden words in poetry and interests..
Used to be classmates for three consecutive years on which our friendship grew like no other.

However, there were boundries that tore us..
A third party who lied...I should have just believed her instead of doubting her..
My heart have all this while watch our part of friendship in deep regret for the past three years.
I knew that part of it was due to my own stupidity...not believing my own friend..
I regret so much but I know each of us have long time moved on...
But i wished that she knew, that all this while, i had already realised..That my heart had never doubted her..
I guess there was just too much drama for me to realise that until everything has now ceased.
But, by now, we have gone our own ways...
Our own lives.
But she had planted a deep seed in me. I knew she had known me too well.
She never poisoned my image..but i doubted her.
She was indeed, a true friend.
With a pure heart.
I wished I had another day to tell her, I was wrong and i wished to start all over.
I'm just glad she was in my life.
She stood up so many times on my behalf...; once in the middle of a class when my teacher was really making me an embarassment in class.
Stood up for me. But was always straightforward telling me my ugliest truths..But she was right.
I wished i knew that long before..
But i really do miss her as a best friend.
We used to laugh in the gym during trainings and tried the silliest things..Best friends always do the stupidest things together and are not afraid of standing up!

I hold my memories in my photo albums. i smile each time i look into it.
She was a dear friend.
Memories are sometimes all we can keep from the past.
The future is not in our hands..My hopes is that you'll be successful in what you do...

(Dedicated to a special friend)

A Never Turning Back Point

2009-03-20T05:54:00.000-07:00

I lay on my bed...Tiresome.. Worries..
i knew things weren't gonna be right.
pondering the worst that may happen..
just last week, i thought of the doubly overwhelming pressure would overflow unto me.
it chilled me..i shivered.. from the top of my head, through my spines; down to my feet...
i wonder if my face turned pale..
my heart pounding.
restless the next morning, the feelings took over.. of pressure and fear..
i clasps my hands together uttering a word of prayer that it will just be a bypass..
driving was not much of a worry.
he felt too as i did; but he held me close to himself.
as i felt his heart and warmth, i knew much more that he was there...
my confidence level rose. and so the day ended well. his strokes through my hair.
his sweet smiles and laughter. his tender kisses made me feel that everything was fine no matter wad the outcome was.
and day one was over. smiles carved; i finally passed driving.

THE QUESTION WAS:........ WILL I BE ABLE TO ENCOUNTER TOMORROW??

the night was quiet..
i heard nothing but worries in my head...
shut up fi! i tell my brain to silent and hush..
its spinning fast; recapping every moment of strive throughout months of sleepless night with days of toil.
finally my effort would reveal its worth..
i still find it difficult to sleep.
'what happens if straight As are not my destiny...what if?...what will be if?...'
those questions kept hindering me from receiving a peaceful nights rests..
i told myself..' God, give me sweet sleep...'
and so i did that night.

DAY 2
worries!!worries!!
i wish he was here..i wish he knew the hell of a night which had just passed torturing me through..
i don't know what to think of.
afraid...i clutch soo's hands tightly the moment my eyes caught her at sight.
its best being with the close friends i have. my heart is beating all too quickly and my mind is overshadowed by the thought of results.
as soon as i was announced, my hands trembled.
my body felt so cold.. i shivered a little..
before i realized, after a handshake of congrats; tears began to wound up in my eyes.
they rolled down my cheeks as soon as i turned my back facing the audiences.
despair of an expected loss in joy pierced through and all i had left was nothing but a need of hugs and comforts.
it was like end of the world, that very moment for me.
being a scholastic achiever for string s of As had not ceased once in my hands.
but this time was a turnover.
no one understood that very moment.
how i wished he was here to hear me out...
to my mum, i wish she had known i had tried my best..
but still, i blamed myself so hard for that mistake...
if only...and if only i had written what i had to..
if only i had done a little more..
if only i had paid more attention..
if only this was not the end..
i cried so hard, i could barely control myself.
watching the joyful leaps of others. the pride in their faces shuddering me as a loser.
mom, just know that i have given my best..
she can't hear my heart...
wx, i wish your here now..i tell myself..
i thought everything was over and i felt my little world crumbling down.
but after that i realize that i have not lost everything...
cause my heart is already complete...with you..
and its cause of your courage i choose to move on..
knowing your here with me makes me realize your by my side...
and that your here to face every challenge with me.
i love you wx..
it cause of you; u make me realize there are more things than just having glamor in life. its love that makes all things perfect..
i love you wx...

Sweet 17

2008-09-26T05:20:00.000-07:00

i step out of da car.
i gaze around.
i see em.she greets me...
we walk 'n' we head on for a drink.
sh pulls da chair and i sit.
laid in front,a paper bag.
we head to da counter for a drink.
as we return to sit, i see ianne.
i open ma present fluttered 'n' touched..
we sit and chatter gleefully as we wait.
em says ders more surprises comin up.
yet,i wonder...i ponder.stil clueless..
we play 'truth or dare'.
suddenly,em counts..sh asks me to shut my eyes.
i do so while sh counts...1,2,..3..
i hear a voice whisper into my ear gently.
"happy b'day fi",he says.
in response to dat voice so familiar,i turn hastily.
overjoyed,i jump out of ma seat.
i hug him.
(someone pinch me!!im sure i wasn dreamin was i?)
em 'n' him get a box fr da counter,den lays a cake.
no candles but my wishes are already reality.
wad more to ask for??im happy...really happpy.
we head on..
three hours we sing our hearts out.
solos,duets...
i hope dat moment never ended.
more surprises?i open my present.
i see a cute puppy..its adorable.
thanks sweetie..
as al good things has a start,it also has an ending.
but those moments,sacrifices,love,and care..
wil be engraved in ma heart always.
as far as i know,this is da sweetest birthday..
thanks guys!!
sweet 17...
xoxo

F.R.I.E.N.D.S(trusted or not?!)

2008-09-12T04:45:00.000-07:00

F.R.I.E.N.D.S....

do dey live up to it?

Faithful
Radiant
Insiprational
Ever-caring
Naughty
Divine
Supportive

Do i define that as friends?? Yes,there are true amd sincere ones. but somehow or rather, others put up a front. putting on a fake smiley mask. but behind you; lies broken trust... uncovering secrets dat bringth forth a person to the lowest pit of devastation.

disappointments break the heart; instilled. and,blows away every flame of friendship. the heart is numb; upholding thoughts of questions, why??

yes it hurts... to noe dat those you trust da most, let you down. it stays. but somehow 0r rather, issues cannot be resolved.

however, despite that brokenness, there is a path. a choice; revenge or to forgive. most are tempted to the lustful road of revenge. waddling through every single route to tear others down. even if it gives you a harsh slap of reality; and tears you apart... why fear?? why take revenge??
with da knowledge of love and devine care that exist; i choose to forgive. even if it hurts or pains me.

call me a hyppocrite..i do admit, i once was one. but the past is da past. everyday, we live anew. putting dark shadows behind us. that's how we grow. wen we fall, we learn to pick ourselves up. it's difficult; yet lessons carry one forward. forgive, forget... live on..in love to all humanity...

thats da choice i wanna make today. thats my very step. thats the road im gonna take despite all hurts...

2008-09-06T07:42:00.000-07:00

examz!examz!examz!
can students lives get any more progressive?
dat word juz brings shivers down da spine.dun u think?
pressure of becoming da best.
excelling in wadever dat is endeavoured.
i gues its not about da grades..its not about being tops.
high skul is a time for youth to discover their social lives,learning to apply and learn da important street intelligence.
da world today isnt juz about academics.
its bout learning da skill of survival.
not drowned by da inferiority of others.
pressures built up.i wonder how ta keep da surpression.
why du i have ta du wel?
is it gain success in life?
or it is it for da satisfaction dat i have given out my best shot?
or ist to prove i can du things rite?
i ever wondered why?i du realize its more of wad i wanna be dat i push myself to dis state of pressure.
i wan it..but how to get it?
effort?hardwork?
its endless dat i juz feel lyke givin up at tymx.
i reli hope things work out.
now its al bout studies!studies!studies!
HELP!save me while im not dead!

Uncountable joy

2008-09-05T06:19:00.000-07:00

Starin at the ceiling..still on my bed. its dark..
pictures flashin thru..memories appearin one by one..
its used ta be bitter ones..now,there's a hundred and eighty degree change in my life.

it seems lyke da world used to be chilly,
cant imagine how it was really,
all i know is da impossible had arrived,
and im glad im now blanketed and loved.

i noe each second i think about him,its worthwhile.
i noe each day i am with him,my heart is peaceful.
Why do i know it so well?
i feel it,a deep link in my heart.
i noe he cares about me.
accepts me for who i really am.
despite everything im not.
even if i hadnt live da perfect life.

each time i gaze into his eyes, i know his always there for me.
i noe he will never tear my heart apart.instead,i regret for giving him a hard time repairing it.
i noe his there even though i make da stupidest mistakes..even if i make da biggest slips.
i doubt im even compatible to who he is and wad he has provided me with.

however,even tho i dun fulfill much of any requirements,i reli hope this moments wil last always.
i know my love and care is incomparable.
but still,as much as i know,even if people think its wakward; i noe im deeply in to him.
my full trust...i love him.
his all i care about in my life.
the one who matters most to me.
my teacher(guides me thru),my comforter wen im down,upliftance of my soul.
me best fren who hears me out...mostly,my beloved hubby.

no one wil ever take his place. I LOVE YOU...
i love you woon xing...

xoxo...wx

Found Trust

2008-07-19T23:29:00.000-07:00

Each day, i cry and cry..lookin for an answer..i get no reply..
its been a long while since i felt any warmth..any care..
like wad i said earlier..i never gave myself a new opportunity to move on..the shadows of the past have turned my heart cold..tying me down,restrained me from endeavouring into moving on..
i lie restless in solemn.given up..
to me,findin trust was a probability of one in a million..or mybe even smaller..oh,how i doubt such wil i find would be the trust i yearn for..
however,as i waited in the days of which i felt days crept by slowly..
out of no where,suddenly i feel a beam of light.it pierces through..
exposing the broken cracks which had long been hidden in the heart..im afraid its seen..yet great comfort was left by dat light..
earlier i thought it would juz be an ordinary circumstance where da heart is left once again in devastation..
as i waited longer,i felt amazed by how it changed my life..bringin back a meaning i had lost..causing numbness in me..but now,its like my heart is warm again..
the broken pieces which were shattered now replaced...findin a new meaning...its like its all perfect..
new trust,new hope...i noe dat everythin wil be perfectly fine..
cox wen its close to me,nothin seems wrong..
everything is like pixel perfect..
like ive gained ma loss 'n' instead living the better life..
i hope it lasts til forever juz like how there arr no ends in this massive galaxy.
i am lovin the way i live now..

Trusts..

2008-04-14T06:24:00.002-07:00

What is the most important element you find besides love??
definately faith and trust..the key to evrythin in life...
but, why du i find myself abandonin it??
why ist so hard for me to uphold this one simple thing??
is it because of the past i cant seem to let go??the hurts that keep botherin me that somehow i find it veri difficult to put trust in any1..includin the closest to me..
its so hard to get broken all over again..afraid to be intimidated,to lose confidence and be a laughin stalk..to pick oneself 'n' hide in stage of recovery..why all the complicationx wen life can be so much more a bunch of roses?
but der is no echo nor reply to the answer..
or ist some1 i cannot forgive??ist some1 i cannot 4get??
why ist pullin me from movin on??
trust??can i simply give my trust once again; and be hurt once more??
ist me bein to afraid of bein hurt?ist jux a reaction of the pasts?
but indeed none can push beyond limits..indeed this recuperatin stage may consume periods but it juxx requires love 'n' patience..true understandin and not anger to be vent..
a role after another scares reality out of human..
like a shattered glass its not the same as it used to be..
cracks will stil remain but can it be helped??..
trust??why ist so hard??...........hurt myself once more 'n' it shunns away..

Trusts..

2008-04-14T06:24:00.001-07:00