The Unforseen, The Untold

There's a moment when everything seems right. All of a sudden, it seems like it's wrong.

Have you ever gotten that feeling before?
For a second it's bright, then a second later; shadows overcasting.

I'm wondering if things are supposedly what's right.

What if everything falls into place; but all of a sudden it's in the biggest mess??
Things get difficult; life's so unpredictable. I'm beginning to get a hang of one thing in life; that what is; it's never constant.
Even of late, the skies don't know their heading or sense of direction. Cloudy for a second; the next, it's all bright. Then a few seconds later; heavy downpour.
There are times when one can have the warmest sensations and the next second; a chill of ice.

People say that when the tough gets going, the going gets tough. (Or is it phrased the other way round?) Anyway, yeah, when things seem at the deepest depth, I guess, that's where we have to wait for the light to shine in. Ever felt like there's a darkness swallowing you, that you'll never get out of? Or the road that you chose seemed to be under construction with obstruction at the moment? These are probably the times that confuse people like me; making me wonder, if I stepped right in the first place.

What if I'm just not good enough to make it through? What if this was just a mere mistake? What if I had the choices that will pull me down instead of making me rise up above all odds?

There are moments I'd wish that everything would turn out perfectly smooth without a rough ditch or break in between. There's a moment to be lost, hoping that somehow, you'll get out of it. Maybe that's what I'm waiting for. Maybe that's what I need right now.

The sun will come out tomorrow...

Shadows cease,
Lightning strucks,
Where's the sun?
The trees dies and weeds grow,
Where's the roses in the meadow.
Let the sun down,
Wait for dawn,
In hope that ice will melt,
For buds to spring.

A little tougher in uni

Hey people,
I'm back; but I probably think I'll be updating less and less as time passes by. Recital is coming up in a couple of weeks and I'm totally clueless. God knows how I'm gonna survive out there since I've barely gotten through my pieces. I guess it will be a miracle if I can firstly, get my pieces MEMORIZED by then.

I would have to admit that uni life is totally a cool and unique experience. For one thing, we get to grab late suppers with coursemates and chit chat til...we're satisfied perhaps. The downside however, trying to cope with ample war to practise, maintaining good social life, participating in college activities while maintaining grades and completing assignments at the same time. Probably, I would have to admit that uni life, although being in the music stream can pretty much equal up to difficulty of any other faculties. We pick up techniques in a short term and are expected to launch with full performance speed throughout. Really glad for dedicated and good lecturers; but I think their awesomeness slash perfection kinda scares me off. I get the pressure and my perfect coursemates, are the reason to push me to stop slacking.

Despite tension, really glad to have caring friends and seniors who encourage me and motivate me towards my goal. I understand now when they mention that without a good circle of friends, you can't go far. That's because in uni, you can't afford to be on your own.

Being in uni made me realize many important things, that's to treasure the people and family you have around you while they are near. You wouldn't know what it feels like til you're far away and you get that feeling wishing they could be there sometimes.

Life in uni gets tough at times, but I know that it will be an experience to keep and hold for a long time. Hopefully, I'll get to pass this stage as a stronger person.

P/s: I don't like queue-ing for washing machiness!!

Fresh Start In A Place Called here

Hey everyone,

I know I haven't updated you people in quite awhile. First of all, I'm currently in UM, KL. Sorry for the late update coz I think I've been experiencing 'jet-lack' since I reached a place called....HERE! (a.k.a UM).

The first day I stepped here which was last Sunday (4th September), the first thing that murdered me was the room. I was like... Why??? I'm totally not gonna survive the week. The better part was mom kept persuading me to think twice and there's still a chance for me to back off if I wanted to. The thing I still can't really get used to is the bathroom though. =S Okay, here goes report one...
To make the day worst, we didn't really understand the discipline system provided here and why everyone was yelling at us. I have to admit, we were already having a shock of our lives( not just me, we had sharing time and almost everyone felt the same). We couldn't even have decent meals since we had to use our hands for one instead of utensils, and to add to the spice; we had to eat really fast. Our PM kept yelling.... "CEPAT MAKAN!!!". Most of us swallowed down so fast, I think I almost choked several times! The first day was the worst, I went to bed and almost cried; thinking things were disastrous and nothing the way it should have been.

Day two and three were brighter since we managed to spend part of our afternoons in the faculty. But, I would pretty much have to admit that I had some bad experiences since I was sick and couldn't quite recover. Oh... Did I mention to you too that on the second day, I was given a task to represent my residential college to participate in a BM debate competition? Believe me, I was like... Oh nooooo you don't! But due to the overload of English debaters and me being crazy, I actually said yes! How ironic was that right?? I know... HAHA. So I had at least something to do besides cheering and all.
The next day, we had to plan our points for the competition. I was so stressed yet sleepy due to two hours sleep for the previous nights. Believe me, I almost fell asleep quite a number of times. Competition was held in the evening after faculty meeting. That's where I wore my first baju kurung since I've been here. Given the task, I had to work with two other debate mates, Shikin and Sham. I hafta admit that they were totally awesome. They helped guide me quite a little and also thankful for our PM's; Han and Aimi. Without both their help, I would have just proly passed out halfway. Anyway, the first day competition sent thrills down my spine. I had stage fright as usual and barely could speak. To me, it was... FAILURE!! Thank God for Sham, he actually pulled our marks up, so we won.
The following day, thank God I could start debating since the topic was related to Facebook. And so, here came my first success of debating. Yeah, I did lack some techniques but at least, I was complimented for fluency in the language. =D
We won the second round so, it was our joy. One more round and to see who made it to the semifinals.

Day four,
We had our usual practise, and this was the day to determine us being in the finals... or not. We didn't win this round so we went back to our rooms in complete devastation and disappointments. However, as night passed, we were told that we actually made it into the finals!! HOW awesome was that??! We had totalled up to 4th place after three days of competing which made us eligible to step into the semi finals.
With much enthusiasm, we practised again.
However, day four, which I thought would be bright started of with PM's banging our door.
Without even brushing our teeth, we had to leap out of bed with the watch pointing its hands at onli 4 am! We dashed out of our rooms, got punished in half sits. Believe me, it's so darn torturing, some people even ended up crying while my body was shivering due to the intensity of the sit for half an hour. If I had to say 'thanks', it would be to those who didn't abide to the rules and yet, all of us were punished for it.
Towards evening, we had our semi finals. I was nervous being the opposition team, yet, managed to keep composure. Since we were competing with the one ranking at 1st place, it made us sweat in our seats and our hearts kept beating all too fast. We tried to made rebuttles, yet, we were curbed by our opponents. However, we didn't win despite our strive; jury being on side 3-2 and a margin of 1.3, we didn't really make it.
Yeah, big disappointment actually; but hey, I didn't even have an experience in debate. And we made it this far to top 4 placing. That's good enough for me.

The next few days, we had our normal activities and resumed til the closing ceremony on friday.
This week had been really tough, I think I only had an average of 14 hours of sleeping for the whole week. Despite the tiresomeness, I'm really glad for this week. I realized that I made some good friends. Friends who I know will be there for me when I need them. We experienced the same pains together and that's what brought forth our bonding to a higher level.

I love both my roommates, my vocalist, coursemates and those who really showed their care towards me throughout orientation week. And to your surprise, I love my PM's too who did everything they could to make our orientation week successful. I know based on this week, that even if things get really tough, there are people around me who will help me on; and also that I'm looking forward to the next three years. Yes, I still miss home, but being here, releases me from pain and gives me a brand new hope.

I'm looking forward to day one of our course today. Will update you guys soon! =)

Loads of love.

Signing off,
Fidelia ~ xoxo

Holding on and letting go

The days pass, things are supposedly getting easier. I just wonder why its not that way for me.

Why am I holding on to something I know isn't gonna be? It's almost like I want this dream to go on. Somehow, it's not. People keep splashing cold water unto my face; waking me up from the one thing is no more reality.

I've been trying to move on each day; but sometimes, things aren't like they used to be.

Why can't one see the changes you have made and acknowledge it? Why is the past always haunting and blocking the present? Why is warmth overshadowed now by meer cold ice?

There's no more path; it's a dead end. You said so yourself. Wish I knew where to go. What if I can't be what I used to be? What if, I'm not me anymore?

It's like I've lost my soul somewhere and it's nowhere near myself.

Each day, I tell myself not to cry any longer. I'm trying to be strong; to get up and look for a better tomorrow.

I'm not that person you used to see me a few years ago. Time has changed me too, to become a better person. I'm definitely not perfect, but I've really given my best shot.
I used to act like a girl, but I'll be twenty in a couple of months. I'm growing out and trying to be a fine lady; but I guess, not everyone sees that.

I haven't known of anyone as perfect, but I do know, that I've tried. No one is on this world. I know the world can't be seen from just our perspectives. Maybe I was wrong. I admit that I was. But maybe, I did try to alter the bad part of myself. I did try to make compensations and be a somebody.

Yes, I cry each day. I tell myself of how I should have been this way last time instead of just starting now. It's difficult to find the strength to move ahead. It's hard to believe that now, things have to start new. So hard to find the will.
However, each day, I try to think that there's a better tomorrow.

Who doesn't fear being alone? I know I do. But I'm afraid for bigger realities in future. What if things don't turn out as I want them to be? What if I cry again? What if you're okay, but I'm not?

I kept wanting to hold on. But the more I do, the worst things get. I know now, I have to let go. It's painful, and I wonder if I can make it.

So hard to breathe, yet, I have to find the will to get up again. I'm trying not to drown in the past.
Maybe, perhaps maybe, this is a time for me, to start living for myself. I'm being the best I can be. Someday, you'll see; someday, you'll understand.

Someday, I'll be that better person that no one thought I could be. I may have screwed up, but I'm taking life as a lesson each day. As you draw further away from the world, I'm stepping into it. I know how cruel life is, but I'm not gonna withdraw even if it hurts. Like a dog, we need to clean our wounds til they heal; but I'm gonna be the one to get up.

Life can knock my down to my feet, but I'm gonna fight til the end. I'm afraid but faith and courage is what I need. I can't promise that I'll forget not stop crying. But I can promise that I have God, and that I'm gonna try to depend on Him.

If you could see me for who I am today, and not who I was yesterday. People change, but I'm changing for the better. My past is my past. But my future has just begun, and that's who I am trying to be now.

Pain

It's back to square one; the place I don't want to be in.

This wasn't where I wanted things to end up being.

This isn't the think I wanted you to have in mind.

This wasn't anything I ever wanted.

Being the truth, there was no way that I would lie to you. But neither did I ever wish for things to be this way.

I wanted things to be better like it was going to be.

Pained both night and day, there's no stop to this unending nightmare. Things were okay for awhile. Now, it isn't again.
I want so much to turn back the hands; wishing that what is and what isn't wasn't.
So many mistakes, I tried to make amendments. Changed for no one but I wanted to for you. It's so late, and all is left of the bad things I've done. Wish so much that those wouldn't cover for the person I am today.
Pain, heaviness. Wish you knew as much as it pained you; it pierced me just as much. I've really tried this time to be the best I can be, but my past blocked and smeared all that I am today. I wish I could undo so many things. I could if I had the power to. Now the world seems too cruel to you; and it's me to be blamed for. I never wanted those for you. Neither for me.
Even if I could prove, I would, but that's not in my hands to let you know what truly is and isn't.

I could tell you a million words, nothing would heal those. I've had those agony, my pains each night. In my dreams, I'm screaming. In my heart, it's bleeding, but I know you are too.

There's a scar in you, I wish to erase. I wish that things would be better for both of us, than it is today. For everything you have been to me, I'll always know that, no matter what, that you will never change to me.
You loved me with everything you had. I do too, but wrongly. In my knowledge, we both did everything for each other. But for a guy, you were rare to find. A rare diamond; hard to find like a rice among grains of sand. Even of there was someone like you, there's no way you can ever be replaced. People don't get why. They say I'll find someone else, but they don't know how much you mean to me.

You've been the only non-blood tied, that I would lay my life down for. When you hurt, so do I. I fear your death most; or the fact of losing you.

I wish each day for a miracle. Hopes crushed; wonder if there will ever be. I created your fears and extended your hurts; but that was never what I wanted. I wish that I could take them away again. Times have changed, and so have I. Not that love I had for you. All I know, is that I love you more and more each day. Even if it doesn't seem that way, I'll just keep that in my heart.

I only pray, that you'll heal. That you'll be happy. Each time I see you, can't seem to stray my eyes off you. It's like they were made to admire all that you are. I wish to see your real smiles again. Not fear in your eyes or heart. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me. Has been, always will be.

When your gone.

So many times I regret the things I did. Ice on the mountain caps melt and there's no way you can stop.
The pain is too intense to bear. So many things not understood.
Barely able to breathe, the heart is pierced to the deepest part of the soul.
Incurable, there's no way to run any longer. Believed; thinking that this time for the last time, things are going to be right. Too late by a second.
God, if you're alive; if you're listening to me... Do you even care?
Why is everything crumbling at the time I want to make amendments?
It's so painful I feel like I'm suffocating so badly.
I used to think I'll do what I can. Now, I'd do any single thing to get back that one thing I've taken for granted.
Wish you knew what's in my heart.
The best thing that has ever happened to me; is you. No matter how many times I tell you now, you'll never know.
I'm a second to late. Lying on bed each night; tears streaming so hard. I beat my heart so hard knowing that things aren't going to be okay.
Love to others is just another element.
You've been my air. When there's no air, there's no life.
I can look like I'm wide awake but it's as if my heart is dead. It's stopped beating for awhile now.
I left my heart with you; knowing it's never going to come back.
I tried to take my last breath. Cause I keep thinking that there's no meaning left.
My best friend, my heart, my air, the one who patched me for good. Every single thing reminds me of you. There's not one thing that doesn't. I wonder how to ever move on; coz it seems too impossible. I can't let go. I keep holding on.
Rather hurt than feel nothing at all. Rather bleed than to think I never had you.
It's so late, it's past midnight in the clock of life.
I keep wanting to take away my soul.
The only reason I keep living this second is that I'm lying to myself.
I keep giving myself hope. That one day, all the plans we had; will come to past.
There's no other you; and there will never be.
Each day, I get up with the hopes that somehow, our dreams that used to be will come back again. That's the only thing that's keeping my alive; letting me breathe for now.
I wish I was there when you needed me; you've always been for me.

Dear God,
If I had one wish to make right now.
I know you'll know what it is. That's the only thing I'll pray for.

*Streaming in tears; trying to breathe.*

Let me wake up tomorrow to live for another one. God give me the strength to go on.

Love of Friendship

It's been long since I last felt like this.
I guess hardships come and go. Well, it has both its good and bad.
Sore as ice, numb and hard. Wonder what happens next.

I've always thought that I'm fighting this nightmare alone. That's cause I did before. I was alone.
But now, I thank God for these hard moments. It is that, that opens my eyes to bigger perspectives, colors and things I've never seen before.
Behind every person lies motivation. In my case, my motivation comes from others; and I'm proud to call you pals my good friends.
There are those who are fools, but I'm glad to know that at least, I'm not alone.
Even as I tear up, you guys made it possible for me to see brighter things in this world.

It's been so long since I last realized that everyone surrounding me, really care that much. Really great to know that despite ups and downs, there'll always be a stronger pillar to fall back on; that's the love of friendship.
I've never seen any much more of the concern and encouragement that you guys have shown towards me. That's another bonus why I'm not welling up in tears as much as I should be.

There's so much more that you guys have brought up in me. Right now, this feeling combats every other depression or sadness. I know in life we laugh and cry; but because of all of you, my percentage of happiness has probably increased more. Even as I look into the state I'm supposed to be in, you all make me stronger and optimistic with a reason to look forward to.

Care from people is worth carrying you a million miles of journey in life.
Candles are lit by gentle fires; yes, you all are the reason I can still burn up til now.
I'll look back and remember that this incident opened my eyes into realizing that I have more than what I thought I had.
I can lack others, but I know now, that I have great friends, sisters and people who care about me to push on.

I can keep going on, but I guess that's from me for now. Appreciate you guys a mill!

xoxo. ~Signing off with love. Fi.

A little note to God.

'I trust in the Lord and lean not on my own understanding. For when I acknowledge you, you'll make my paths straight.'

Dear God,
I'm quite sure that you're aware of my panic state now. There's so many things on my mind.

My heart's rate is accelerating twice as fast as usual. My hands getting chilled, my body slightly jittery. I wonder if these are symptoms of fear in accepting the future or perhaps anxiety.

So many expectations; and I'm shouldering the worries that I shouldn't. I wonder if I'll sleep tonight. I wonder what tomorrow will be.

At moments like this, I'm so afraid. Afraid of what the truth may be. Anxious of what everything would turn out to be.

The past week has en-forged a sense of doubt and fear. For those that hath been of believes were let down. All things may fail me. But the one person whom I know shall never fail me, will be you,God.

Dear God,
I wonder if you know that I'm glad to be born a Christian. Without you, my life would have probably ended a long time ago. They say that gods can't give you answers. And that you have to help yourself in order for God to help you. However, I'm glad that you have always loved me even when I doubted you. You gave me the one gift I could never earn that's love, and your grace.

Even as I ponder upon the promises you've given me in my life, I know you have a plan and purpose for me. Despite all those trials, I'm stronger because you've guided and delivered me.

As I awake tomorrow, I shall believe in your promises. Faith and grace are always tied together as a whole package. Thus, I shall believe hard and receive your favor upon my results, relationships and future.

Dear God,
I wonder when things will fall into place. When to get the right one, where to go and what to do.
Somehow, I know deep within that life has moulded me; making me have even more faith in you. Life is a wonder. So complicated; yet, ever revolving. Yet, putting you as the center of my life will make things smoother and beautiful in its time.

Humans are never perfect. That's why we're not angels. And again, even though there's been a screw up, Your grace has made me realise that a second chance of trust is never impossible.

I'm believing for my miracle.

My New Twenty

Dear 2011,
Sorry for the late update. Just hardly had the strength or time to get inspired for the blog.. (Actually more of the eye stamina=SLEEP)

So anyways, I'll summarise what's been going on for the past whole month.

1st week~
Just begun work and I'm loving my job. I'm not used to work cause there's a lot of standing and my feet are as sore as ever. In fact, Flanil has been my bestie for the past week in easing my pain. Getting used to work isn't as easy as I thought it would be; from eating out, take outs to having to know things without being taught. Seriously, I was as blurr as ever! I bet most of my colleagues would think I'm some blurr person with no street smart brains. er
Oh and I forgot to mention that there's an awesome shih tzu that greets me practically all the time. I loved her since day one I met her.
On that very day, I met my first friend there as well... Mr.Alex
So if I were to thank anyone for educating me how to pack fishiess, its Alex. Speaking of which, I did forget to mention that on day one, I exploded the plastic when I was amaturely packing water and everyone around stared at me as if I was a fool or something. LOL

Week 2~
I haven't any mate for lunch since Alex decided to abandon me for Uni. (Jus kidding Alex)
Instead, I hung out more with my hon, OIC. Since this week, I can't ever imagine what it would be like once she leaves; which I don't quite look forward to.
This week, there's a dinner and everyone's looking forward to it. Clothes planning, table planning and so many more things. I think no matter where you go, girls will always be girls. They embrace fashion, hair and jewelleries even if the world was going to end today.
Dinner is on thursday which means we're off early. Yoohooo!!
I've been looking forward to it all week and yes, I had an awesome time! Some new experiences and oh...did I mention that I had a coursage tied on my hand? It was some sort like our company's mini prom. I'm crapping quite a lot here. Alex got back and I think he was our VVVVIP! Apparently, he's still not embarrassed of that. Haha.
This week was much better than the first but I still needed foot aid alot!
It ended with my friend leaving AGAIN.

Week 3~
It's boring on some of the days; bright and sunny on the rest of them.
I started to imagine having lunches alone and having different breaks with my darling cause of the change in timetable.
Mostly, I decided that books would be my best mate from then.
The good thing is, I started getting to talk a lot with SC.
Also after the past two weeks, I realise that customers come in all shapes and sizes. I realised too that lovers vary from the sweetest in everyway despite their backgrounds.
I noticed most people date in our workplace or take leisure walks around for no reason.
I realised that some customers were dangerous and merely approached me for my number.. THIS WAS CREEPY!! Believe me!
Besides that, I noticed how much I lack the general knowledge of machines or motorised accessories. I tend to escape or take a different turn when I see customers approaching products such as pumps, lightings and all. I prefer packing fishes instead to be on the safe side; since I don't explode plastic bags anymore.
I love staring at marine fishes when I'm bored. Their fins and gentleness in nature amuses me. And at many times, I still marvel and the wonders of every detail that God has created them in.
From the beautiful colours on their fins to the sea anemones.
One more thing, I never knew that fishes do war as well.

Week 4~
That's the current week I'm in.
So far, this week ticked a little slower due to the decrease in number of customers. Things are running not too expectedly and yeah, I still need a lot of sleep.
I'm still trying to figure out stuff slowly. Thank God for the past few weeks cause I got to widen my options. I had other people's opinion on what I should prepare for in future in terms of education wise. I still get nightmares about STPM results which will be due soon.
Did I forget to mention that I flooded M floor for carelessly changing the water using double hose. Or perhaps I got a littler moody and distracted.
Today's sales weren't bad. I'm wishing that I had a dog everyday and that things would work out the way I want it to. Oh and not to mention, Alex just got back. And his planning to leave again as usual.
Most importantly, I just got my new year clothes and I swear, I'll never do last minute shopping ever again!
I want a dress but I haven't got one for new year this time. I guess I'll just wait til I get my pay or something.

So that's for this few weeks so far. Enjoy and pray that I still live.

As always, much love~
Signing off~ Fi
xoxo