Holding on and letting go

The days pass, things are supposedly getting easier. I just wonder why its not that way for me.

Why am I holding on to something I know isn't gonna be? It's almost like I want this dream to go on. Somehow, it's not. People keep splashing cold water unto my face; waking me up from the one thing is no more reality.

I've been trying to move on each day; but sometimes, things aren't like they used to be.

Why can't one see the changes you have made and acknowledge it? Why is the past always haunting and blocking the present? Why is warmth overshadowed now by meer cold ice?

There's no more path; it's a dead end. You said so yourself. Wish I knew where to go. What if I can't be what I used to be? What if, I'm not me anymore?

It's like I've lost my soul somewhere and it's nowhere near myself.

Each day, I tell myself not to cry any longer. I'm trying to be strong; to get up and look for a better tomorrow.

I'm not that person you used to see me a few years ago. Time has changed me too, to become a better person. I'm definitely not perfect, but I've really given my best shot.
I used to act like a girl, but I'll be twenty in a couple of months. I'm growing out and trying to be a fine lady; but I guess, not everyone sees that.

I haven't known of anyone as perfect, but I do know, that I've tried. No one is on this world. I know the world can't be seen from just our perspectives. Maybe I was wrong. I admit that I was. But maybe, I did try to alter the bad part of myself. I did try to make compensations and be a somebody.

Yes, I cry each day. I tell myself of how I should have been this way last time instead of just starting now. It's difficult to find the strength to move ahead. It's hard to believe that now, things have to start new. So hard to find the will.
However, each day, I try to think that there's a better tomorrow.

Who doesn't fear being alone? I know I do. But I'm afraid for bigger realities in future. What if things don't turn out as I want them to be? What if I cry again? What if you're okay, but I'm not?

I kept wanting to hold on. But the more I do, the worst things get. I know now, I have to let go. It's painful, and I wonder if I can make it.

So hard to breathe, yet, I have to find the will to get up again. I'm trying not to drown in the past.
Maybe, perhaps maybe, this is a time for me, to start living for myself. I'm being the best I can be. Someday, you'll see; someday, you'll understand.

Someday, I'll be that better person that no one thought I could be. I may have screwed up, but I'm taking life as a lesson each day. As you draw further away from the world, I'm stepping into it. I know how cruel life is, but I'm not gonna withdraw even if it hurts. Like a dog, we need to clean our wounds til they heal; but I'm gonna be the one to get up.

Life can knock my down to my feet, but I'm gonna fight til the end. I'm afraid but faith and courage is what I need. I can't promise that I'll forget not stop crying. But I can promise that I have God, and that I'm gonna try to depend on Him.

If you could see me for who I am today, and not who I was yesterday. People change, but I'm changing for the better. My past is my past. But my future has just begun, and that's who I am trying to be now.

Pain

It's back to square one; the place I don't want to be in.

This wasn't where I wanted things to end up being.

This isn't the think I wanted you to have in mind.

This wasn't anything I ever wanted.

Being the truth, there was no way that I would lie to you. But neither did I ever wish for things to be this way.

I wanted things to be better like it was going to be.

Pained both night and day, there's no stop to this unending nightmare. Things were okay for awhile. Now, it isn't again.
I want so much to turn back the hands; wishing that what is and what isn't wasn't.
So many mistakes, I tried to make amendments. Changed for no one but I wanted to for you. It's so late, and all is left of the bad things I've done. Wish so much that those wouldn't cover for the person I am today.
Pain, heaviness. Wish you knew as much as it pained you; it pierced me just as much. I've really tried this time to be the best I can be, but my past blocked and smeared all that I am today. I wish I could undo so many things. I could if I had the power to. Now the world seems too cruel to you; and it's me to be blamed for. I never wanted those for you. Neither for me.
Even if I could prove, I would, but that's not in my hands to let you know what truly is and isn't.

I could tell you a million words, nothing would heal those. I've had those agony, my pains each night. In my dreams, I'm screaming. In my heart, it's bleeding, but I know you are too.

There's a scar in you, I wish to erase. I wish that things would be better for both of us, than it is today. For everything you have been to me, I'll always know that, no matter what, that you will never change to me.
You loved me with everything you had. I do too, but wrongly. In my knowledge, we both did everything for each other. But for a guy, you were rare to find. A rare diamond; hard to find like a rice among grains of sand. Even of there was someone like you, there's no way you can ever be replaced. People don't get why. They say I'll find someone else, but they don't know how much you mean to me.

You've been the only non-blood tied, that I would lay my life down for. When you hurt, so do I. I fear your death most; or the fact of losing you.

I wish each day for a miracle. Hopes crushed; wonder if there will ever be. I created your fears and extended your hurts; but that was never what I wanted. I wish that I could take them away again. Times have changed, and so have I. Not that love I had for you. All I know, is that I love you more and more each day. Even if it doesn't seem that way, I'll just keep that in my heart.

I only pray, that you'll heal. That you'll be happy. Each time I see you, can't seem to stray my eyes off you. It's like they were made to admire all that you are. I wish to see your real smiles again. Not fear in your eyes or heart. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me. Has been, always will be.

When your gone.

So many times I regret the things I did. Ice on the mountain caps melt and there's no way you can stop.
The pain is too intense to bear. So many things not understood.
Barely able to breathe, the heart is pierced to the deepest part of the soul.
Incurable, there's no way to run any longer. Believed; thinking that this time for the last time, things are going to be right. Too late by a second.
God, if you're alive; if you're listening to me... Do you even care?
Why is everything crumbling at the time I want to make amendments?
It's so painful I feel like I'm suffocating so badly.
I used to think I'll do what I can. Now, I'd do any single thing to get back that one thing I've taken for granted.
Wish you knew what's in my heart.
The best thing that has ever happened to me; is you. No matter how many times I tell you now, you'll never know.
I'm a second to late. Lying on bed each night; tears streaming so hard. I beat my heart so hard knowing that things aren't going to be okay.
Love to others is just another element.
You've been my air. When there's no air, there's no life.
I can look like I'm wide awake but it's as if my heart is dead. It's stopped beating for awhile now.
I left my heart with you; knowing it's never going to come back.
I tried to take my last breath. Cause I keep thinking that there's no meaning left.
My best friend, my heart, my air, the one who patched me for good. Every single thing reminds me of you. There's not one thing that doesn't. I wonder how to ever move on; coz it seems too impossible. I can't let go. I keep holding on.
Rather hurt than feel nothing at all. Rather bleed than to think I never had you.
It's so late, it's past midnight in the clock of life.
I keep wanting to take away my soul.
The only reason I keep living this second is that I'm lying to myself.
I keep giving myself hope. That one day, all the plans we had; will come to past.
There's no other you; and there will never be.
Each day, I get up with the hopes that somehow, our dreams that used to be will come back again. That's the only thing that's keeping my alive; letting me breathe for now.
I wish I was there when you needed me; you've always been for me.

Dear God,
If I had one wish to make right now.
I know you'll know what it is. That's the only thing I'll pray for.

*Streaming in tears; trying to breathe.*

Let me wake up tomorrow to live for another one. God give me the strength to go on.