A little note to God.

'I trust in the Lord and lean not on my own understanding. For when I acknowledge you, you'll make my paths straight.'

Dear God,
I'm quite sure that you're aware of my panic state now. There's so many things on my mind.

My heart's rate is accelerating twice as fast as usual. My hands getting chilled, my body slightly jittery. I wonder if these are symptoms of fear in accepting the future or perhaps anxiety.

So many expectations; and I'm shouldering the worries that I shouldn't. I wonder if I'll sleep tonight. I wonder what tomorrow will be.

At moments like this, I'm so afraid. Afraid of what the truth may be. Anxious of what everything would turn out to be.

The past week has en-forged a sense of doubt and fear. For those that hath been of believes were let down. All things may fail me. But the one person whom I know shall never fail me, will be you,God.

Dear God,
I wonder if you know that I'm glad to be born a Christian. Without you, my life would have probably ended a long time ago. They say that gods can't give you answers. And that you have to help yourself in order for God to help you. However, I'm glad that you have always loved me even when I doubted you. You gave me the one gift I could never earn that's love, and your grace.

Even as I ponder upon the promises you've given me in my life, I know you have a plan and purpose for me. Despite all those trials, I'm stronger because you've guided and delivered me.

As I awake tomorrow, I shall believe in your promises. Faith and grace are always tied together as a whole package. Thus, I shall believe hard and receive your favor upon my results, relationships and future.

Dear God,
I wonder when things will fall into place. When to get the right one, where to go and what to do.
Somehow, I know deep within that life has moulded me; making me have even more faith in you. Life is a wonder. So complicated; yet, ever revolving. Yet, putting you as the center of my life will make things smoother and beautiful in its time.

Humans are never perfect. That's why we're not angels. And again, even though there's been a screw up, Your grace has made me realise that a second chance of trust is never impossible.

I'm believing for my miracle.

My New Twenty

Dear 2011,
Sorry for the late update. Just hardly had the strength or time to get inspired for the blog.. (Actually more of the eye stamina=SLEEP)

So anyways, I'll summarise what's been going on for the past whole month.

1st week~
Just begun work and I'm loving my job. I'm not used to work cause there's a lot of standing and my feet are as sore as ever. In fact, Flanil has been my bestie for the past week in easing my pain. Getting used to work isn't as easy as I thought it would be; from eating out, take outs to having to know things without being taught. Seriously, I was as blurr as ever! I bet most of my colleagues would think I'm some blurr person with no street smart brains. er
Oh and I forgot to mention that there's an awesome shih tzu that greets me practically all the time. I loved her since day one I met her.
On that very day, I met my first friend there as well... Mr.Alex
So if I were to thank anyone for educating me how to pack fishiess, its Alex. Speaking of which, I did forget to mention that on day one, I exploded the plastic when I was amaturely packing water and everyone around stared at me as if I was a fool or something. LOL

Week 2~
I haven't any mate for lunch since Alex decided to abandon me for Uni. (Jus kidding Alex)
Instead, I hung out more with my hon, OIC. Since this week, I can't ever imagine what it would be like once she leaves; which I don't quite look forward to.
This week, there's a dinner and everyone's looking forward to it. Clothes planning, table planning and so many more things. I think no matter where you go, girls will always be girls. They embrace fashion, hair and jewelleries even if the world was going to end today.
Dinner is on thursday which means we're off early. Yoohooo!!
I've been looking forward to it all week and yes, I had an awesome time! Some new experiences and oh...did I mention that I had a coursage tied on my hand? It was some sort like our company's mini prom. I'm crapping quite a lot here. Alex got back and I think he was our VVVVIP! Apparently, he's still not embarrassed of that. Haha.
This week was much better than the first but I still needed foot aid alot!
It ended with my friend leaving AGAIN.

Week 3~
It's boring on some of the days; bright and sunny on the rest of them.
I started to imagine having lunches alone and having different breaks with my darling cause of the change in timetable.
Mostly, I decided that books would be my best mate from then.
The good thing is, I started getting to talk a lot with SC.
Also after the past two weeks, I realise that customers come in all shapes and sizes. I realised too that lovers vary from the sweetest in everyway despite their backgrounds.
I noticed most people date in our workplace or take leisure walks around for no reason.
I realised that some customers were dangerous and merely approached me for my number.. THIS WAS CREEPY!! Believe me!
Besides that, I noticed how much I lack the general knowledge of machines or motorised accessories. I tend to escape or take a different turn when I see customers approaching products such as pumps, lightings and all. I prefer packing fishes instead to be on the safe side; since I don't explode plastic bags anymore.
I love staring at marine fishes when I'm bored. Their fins and gentleness in nature amuses me. And at many times, I still marvel and the wonders of every detail that God has created them in.
From the beautiful colours on their fins to the sea anemones.
One more thing, I never knew that fishes do war as well.

Week 4~
That's the current week I'm in.
So far, this week ticked a little slower due to the decrease in number of customers. Things are running not too expectedly and yeah, I still need a lot of sleep.
I'm still trying to figure out stuff slowly. Thank God for the past few weeks cause I got to widen my options. I had other people's opinion on what I should prepare for in future in terms of education wise. I still get nightmares about STPM results which will be due soon.
Did I forget to mention that I flooded M floor for carelessly changing the water using double hose. Or perhaps I got a littler moody and distracted.
Today's sales weren't bad. I'm wishing that I had a dog everyday and that things would work out the way I want it to. Oh and not to mention, Alex just got back. And his planning to leave again as usual.
Most importantly, I just got my new year clothes and I swear, I'll never do last minute shopping ever again!
I want a dress but I haven't got one for new year this time. I guess I'll just wait til I get my pay or something.

So that's for this few weeks so far. Enjoy and pray that I still live.

As always, much love~
Signing off~ Fi
xoxo

2010

Dear 2010,
You're almost coming to an end. I wonder if you know how much readjustments you've done to me this year. You made me believe, yet; you made me laugh.
Times of which you made me lose hope, I'd be thinking and wishing for a do-over.
You chose this year to be one of the hardest; packaged with the worst exams I've ever sat for so far.
Somehow, you made me realise those who are my real friends and also unveiled my eyes to the one's who aren't. Due to this very reason, you made me careful of whom I should believe in. I wonder if you're happy to know that this will cause me to doubt a person more than ever. Wonder if I'll find another true friend or learn to trust full-heartedly.

2010,
I gained and lost friends along the way. I became both hard and soft in the inside simultaneously. I'm still confused to know if resolving matters results in crying or laughing. I have learnt that you can't attempt the things you don't love.
Life is about being bold, courageous and persevering no matter how hard it is.
Love comes most when it is unexpected. You may think that you don't love someone but it only shows through distance, sadness and jealousy.
Love isn't kind, its really not what's on your mind. It's more about what your heart whispers.

Lesson three, most of the time, darkness comes when you're on your own. You gotta learn how to stand on your own and depend most on God. There's no way out and challenges stands at every corner of your life. There's no such thing as different types of people in different places; because everyone is the same.

Fourth, success is not measured by level of victory; but how many hurdles you have overcomed. Being outspoken is not yelling or being rude, but speaking out your heart in a rational method.

Once again, writing still eases the soul of one when one is down. Its always alright to break down when you need to. Sleep it over and forget the past. Look forward to everyday no matter how dark it seems to be.

Dear 2010, you have made me realise that the future is new when you learn from your mistakes. I know now that the key to moving on is learning, forgiving and forging a new road. It's not succumbing to the past or letting the past reoccur. Taking a new road can mean leaving your painful habits behind.

Also, a guy doesn't always have to be your boyfriend. Guys can be good friends too. People can talk but you don't always have to listen to them. One thing to be sure that of course, you have to know that what you're doing is right.
If an advice is important, heed it. Listen, and try your best no matter how much it takes for a change.

2010, you were one screw up of a year. But if it weren't for you, I'll not have discovered the other half of myself. You make me treasure the precious values of life.

To 2011, I don't wanna make any promises; but I look forward to change. I look forward to a broad future. As night comes before morning, and winter before spring; I close my eyes now to a bright day tomorrow cause the frost is almost melting; and I can see the light coming.

Heard

Do you feel like there's no one listening to you at times? Or like you're almost alone probably cause it's something you can't ask; or something that can't be answered.

I've been asking myself a lot of things for the past couple of months. Why this? Why that? Sometimes, I even ask, God, are you even listening? Or have you just turned silent all of a sudden??

My anger rushes at times til I burst out with streams of tears; thinking there's no way of escape. Like this has been the worst part of my life; not exactly but almost. Things get worst at times and I run heading nowhere. It's like an endless journey with no road signs and everything seems more than anonymous.

Through these times, when I thought no one heard me; I know that God did. I keep doubting Him cause I never understood the plans He has for me. Remember when I said God was silent? He isn't. He just waits to speak at the right time in a unique way to every individual. A good parent loves their child and would never throw anything bad at them. I know that now, and I don't wanna give up.
Faith is my name. On that, was I born. It's so impossible to believe of the plans He has installed for me because I see the view as it is. But God views from the top; an overall view.

As far as I know, I have a reason to look forward to. I may not know what is next, but even if something is intended for the worst, God will turn it to be for the best. To melt our hearts so that we can leap into the change of season.

There's a time when we cry and undergo pain, but there's something beautiful. Most importantly, when you feel like crying, know that there's God. He listens. In fact, His the best listener and He'll open a door for you at the right season at the right time. I did doubt, but I want to have that childlike faith once again.

I don't know the future but God holds it perfectly. I have a tingle that something good is coming. All I have to do now is leap to my Father and trust in Him.

Believe. Faith. Enter the new season.

A Special Sisterhood in Friendship

First things first, don't get me wrong; I totally love my sister the most...

I'm talking about a special bond also known as sisterhood but in friendship. It means that someone's like your sister, except that you guys aren't blood tied. But she's more than a friend.

I never knew I'd say this but yes, I think I've finally found my sisterhood after years. They say that friends fight, they cry, and laugh together. Here's one thing you never knew; or perhaps you already do... That most of the times, they may be the ones who knows you best and sometimes, we should already know who would tell us the truth.

Five years ago, at our first gym meet for the year, a girl stepped in. Man, what scared us all was her freaking flexibility! And never did it cross my mind that Ms. Flexible would be my bestie. She still is.. Until now :)

Schooling was hard now and then but the funniest thing is, we ended up working together for somewhat reason I don't know in our first gym competition. She got the music, we planned our routines together. I can't quite remember much but I do recall us snacking in the gym. Sleeping on the mattresses to chill out, then Pn.P (she thinks she owns the gym); would start all about how the gym is meant for exercising and not lazing around. Some weird teacher who can't even do gym, I might add.
I still remember once Mr Ang even mistaken both of us for being sisters. Most people thought we were when we hung out together.

The times which touched me most were the moments when we laughed alot. Reen would get me scrunchies and help me with my hair during competitions. We even planned our competition outfits! Those times were seriously awesome. She helped me out when I lost touch with my beam work, an I still really owe her much of my thanks. :)

Through out these five years, we had our rough patch too. But I guess, we both missed each other. (I didn't think I'll miss a friend any much more than I actually did). It was silent for awhile. Gosh, we both didn't even realise how much we both miss our friendship; chatting together, talking and gossiping for all I remember. Those strengthenings we did together and motivated ourselves despite pure torture.

Some friends are made to be with you through thick and thin. I think I've found mine. Doesn't matter what people think or say. My gym buddy, and bestie; a sisterhood that I've obtained from friendship.

A cloud forms before rain,
A rainbow after a heavy storm,
It seems dark at first,
But then, light is what sparks,
What's more than a friend,
Than the ones that stand by you?
Flowers stand together,
They die as one as well.

Dedicated to Reen.

Reminiscence in SGGS

Just a couple of days ago, I flicked through some magazines. SGGS Prime 2007.SGGS Prime 2008.

I turned on the computer and reviewed our special night in June 2008. Those pretty gowns, those lovely smiles. Some old friends that reminded me of the warmth, those moments how all of us met innocently. How those moments we'd taken for granted during then. We learnt together, bonded during classes. I remember how we used to mimic teacher's behaviours. How we used to plan our outfits for prom and those awesome times we had together. I recall us even having Prom meetings that time! :) That was really something.

Being in high school has taught me so many things. It brought forth responsibility in me. SGGS is where we grew up in. We had projects together which made life tedious but yet; an enjoyable yet hectic time. Many times, we've fallen but our friendships stand strong. Being in SGGS taught me to forgive, to learn, to be open and love.

Friends have educated me so much. From practising to competing, to even planning together knitted us even closer. I understand now what I hadn't many years ago. When we took our first step into SGGS, what a marvel at the achievements our seniors set for us. We were small, and had so much to learn. Now that time has passed, I realised that not only have we cultivated wisdom, courage but also sisterhood that would never die.

Internally, each of us have a bond that we'll never forget from being impaired in the process of growing. We saw each other's weaknesses, but we gave each other room to progress. Sometimes, it is not the bitter moments that stays but the good that retains in our hearts. I wonder how many Georgians out reminiscence those moments every now and then.

I miss you gurls. Its true when they say red is courage. Bravery. Every Georgian is unique, talented. The all-in-one package. I would definitely agree when teachers used to quote this... Cause its so true! Georgians are pure beauty with brains.

Georgian babe..Signing off *blow kisses*

Rough Edge

Dear Blog,

I can't figure out why this is another difficult passer by for me. It's not the exams that worry me alone this time. The first step I have taken is sweet; you'll somehow end with a bitter departure.

It feels like all over high school again. To wish for a do over, to wish for happiness; everyone wishing for strings of As.

For me, I'm looking forward to Christmas this year. Reason number one, is that STPM will be past over. Mostly, I'm looking forward to a change of environment and a gift this year.
Not a car. Nor an iPhone. My only hope this year is that love, good friendship and a good future will fall along my path.

It's a tough journey and things are wearing me down; physically, mentally, socially and emotionally. Tired of being tied down to books. On top of that, bad tummy pains. What's more?
Undeniable ties you thought would last. I see friends laughing around accompanied. What then about me?

I look the into the mirror and wonder, if there'll be ever another image. One that will support me, to guide and be there for me. I swing in the park. An empty seat beside me. I see a couple nearby in deep support towards each other. Friends getting ones who care about them, even if not guys, then just pure, sweet girlfriends to talk to.

How long more will it take before this moment is over?
My tears keep streaming. I huddle in my bed with wet pillows.
I wish that this is all just a dream.
Why can't someone shake me up and tear me from these hurts or pain?
I wish that when I wake up, all these nightmares will disappear, and someone will catch me in this dark hour.

Dear God, I know your listening. All I wish for this Christmas is for good friends, love and a future. Amen.